It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
Not a lot of people know it, but every time there’s a football World Cup, there’s also an Insect Football World Cup. It’s only ever been won by the Centipedes and the Millipedes (yes, I know they’re not insects) because, well, they’ve just got more legs. But one year, a rank outsider team, the Earwigs, somehow managed to reach the final against the Millipedes.
But getting there takes a mighty toll on the Earwigs; they’ve taken so many injuries that they’ve only got one player on the bench. Now, what I haven’t told you is that, rather like the Leicester Tigers of my youth, the players don’t wear numbers on their shirts. Instead, they have letters. The Earwigs’ forwards were, just like the Tigers, known as the ABC Club.
But I digress. The Earwigs’ sub wasn’t much. He normally cleaned the teams’ boots. A big task, given they all wore three pairs, but he proudly wore the letter O on his shirt but never expected to play. Come final day, O is very nervous but doesn’t expect to be asked to play. He’s hoping that the starting eleven will make it through, whatever the score. And they’re all expecting a thrashing given that the Millipedes have over 160 times more feet. And so it happens.
Within ten seconds of the first whistle, a Millipede shimmers forward with the ball between his many feet, curls his body and nets one. And this just keeps happening. By half time, the score is 100-0 and another Millipede World Cup win looks inevitable.
And then just before half time, disaster strikes for the Earwigs. Earwig B, their centre forward and one of the famed ABC Club, breaks a leg. Half time and the Earwigs’ manager is desperate. He has to put O on for the second half, but all O has ever done is polish the boots. But, as the referee whistles to start the second half, the manager is amazed to see what happens.
Kickoff and O jags to the left, sprints past several Millipedes and shoots. It’s 100-1. And when the Millipedes take the restart, O leaps into the air, intercepts the ball, drops it to his feet and shoots. Goal!! 100-2. This goes on for the whole of the second half. Leas than a minute to go, scores are level and the whole stadium is on edge. The World Cup has never been won by a team with players with less than 100 legs.
Final kick off, O gathers the ball, dummies to the right, passes to A, sprints to the box, receives the perfect cross and heads in for a winner.
The final whistle blows and the stadium erupts. O can’t believe what’s happened. In the dressing room afterwards, he’s sitting away from the rest of the team. After all, he’s just the boot boy. The team rise to go to the cup ceremony, but O stays seated. “O, you’ve got to go out to the prize giving” says the manager. But still, he sits there. “I’m only the boot boy”, he says, “the rest of you go, it’s your win, I’ve got all these boots to clean”.
“Come on O, you’ve got to go out. You won the Cup for us and the fans are screaming for you. They’re even singing your song” says the manager. “My song?” ask O, “but I haven’t got a song. I’m just humble boot boy” The manager opens the door and sure enough, the crowd is singing at full volume. So O listens and yes, they’re singing his song.
Wait for it…….. “Ere’ we go, ere’ we go, ‘ere we go, ‘ere we go, ‘ere we go, ‘ere we go’
if any I should say...
