LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Mummy mummy, can I get pregnant through anal sex"? "

Of course you can darling....where do you think moderators come from"!

Sorry DB

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I learned two interesting facts today: It's not as easy as you'd think having a pee on a moving train.

And my ban covers ALL Hornby shops.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Look, I'm all for colouring books...

But dot-to-dot books?

That's where I draw the line.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines.

He?s a singer / songwriter

Or sew it seams

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My granddad insisted on having his lathe buried with him.

He?s probably turning in his grave as we speak..

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I keep a picture of my wife in the front of my wallet, so I can remember why there's no money in it.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

If cumming inside someone is called a Cream Pie .

Does that mean when gays do it it's a Mince Pie?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

One day two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14 came home with a 20 and 50 euro note.

Their mother asked them where they got all that money.

Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left, said the 12-year-old. We told him we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros.

Then we followed the man, said the other boy, and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived.

So he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet.

Thats truly awful behavior the mother replied. You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession.

The boys did what they were told and went to church to confess to the priest.

After a while they came back with another 100 euros - because they now knew where the man worked.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I wonder if the guy who coined the phrase ' one hit wonder' ever came up with any other phrases.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I have piles and piles of ironing to do.

I don't know which is worse.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Whoever said 'laughter is the best medicine' never suffered from erectile dysfunction.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Sir Ian Wilmut, the man who led the team that created Dolly the sheep, the first mammal to be cloned from an adult cell, has died aged 79.

'A minor inconvenience,' he told reporters later.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I went to McDonald's today, I smiled at the bloke and said "Can I have a small shake please?"

He told me to "Fuck off" then he walked out of the toilet.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm not saying I'm old.

But these days, when she leans over and whispers "your pad or mine?" she's asking which of us has pissed ourself.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My Mrs has just told me to pack my bags and Fuck Off.

As I walked out the door she screamed 'And I hope you spend the rest of your life in misery, boredom and pain'

I said 'Make your mind up.

One minute you're telling me to Fuck Off and now you want me to stay!'