LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Car of the year 2024 as voted for by the readers of Women's Own is..........

A blue one!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Me and the wife have just been to the cinema to see that film Suffragette.

Two hours of a woman's struggle........full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car we rushed in and caught the credits...

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

When employing someone, gather all the C.V.s together and randomly split them into two piles.
Take one pile and throw it in the bin.

This stops you employing anyone unlucky.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Jokes about sugar are rare.
Jokes about brown sugar - Demerara.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What they should really say on those cooking shows: "Hello and welcome to 'Pointless Cooking That Has Nothing To Do With Anyone's Actual Life'.
Today, we are making a very complicated recipe, using ingredients you don't have, utensils you've never heard of, and in a kitchen that is bigger than your whole fucking house."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm not saying you should totally distrust the internet, but there's a huge discrepancy between the number of iPads I've won,
and the number of iPads i own

[OneBardGooner]

Absolute Laugh Out Loud one's Lefty...

Loved the Jihaddy and Scooby one's had to stop drinking my coffee till I finished reading them all

and as ever 'Thank-you' for really cheering me up.

[Midz]

Made me laugh too, Lefty. Thank you.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Glad you like them guys

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winters morning: "
Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it"
Wife texts back: "Computer completely fucked now."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just bought a house with old period features.

She fucking hates it when I call her that.

[DB10GOONER]

"You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life"

"But the Wedding is not until tomorrow dad"

"I know, son"

[OneBardGooner]

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winters morning: "
Windows frozen."
Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it"
Wife texts back: "Computer completely fucked now."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.

"8 or 9 at least." I said.

"Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered."

Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Men. Examine your own prostate by simply wiping your arse with Aldi value toilet roll.