LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I've just sat down in the restaurant with my wife and ordered the hippo soup.

Not sure what I'm gonna have yet.

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Midz
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Wed May 01, 2024 2:41 pm
My wife came into the lounge and asked why our two year old son was screaming.

"He kicked me in the balls," I snarled.

"He doesn't understand that it hurts," she said.

"He fucking does now," I replied.
:D :D :D

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I was worried that the mechanic would rip me off because I was a blonde woman.

Imagine my relief when I found out that I only needed indicator fluid

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Her : "D'you wanna go upstairs?

Me : "Oh Aye Sure"

Her : "Have you got protection?"

Me : "Why?... What the fuck is up there?"

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Thu May 02, 2024 11:57 am
I was worried that the mechanic would rip me off because I was a blonde woman.

Imagine my relief when I found out that I only needed indicator fluid
:coffeespit:



All Good One's Lefty... I told my missus this one but she didn't understand the joke! :lol: :lol: :lol: :-P :oops:

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Mon Apr 29, 2024 6:35 pm
My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but she took it back a week later.
"This parrot hasn't said anything!" she complained.
"I haven't had a fucking chance yet!" replied the parrot.
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Stuart L (2)
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Stuart L (2) »

I had to go to the doctors this week due to having a very sore penis :oops:

He told me I need to stop masturbating so vigorously

When I asked why,

he said it was making his desk wobble.

Stuart L (2)
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Stuart L (2) »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Wed May 01, 2024 2:38 pm
Swampy the eco-warrior has died of a heart attack.

They offered him a bypass but he wasn't having any of it.
Not sure why, but this one tickled me the most lefty :lol:

Good work as always

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Stuart L (2) wrote:
Fri May 03, 2024 12:19 pm
I had to go to the doctors this week due to having a very sore penis :oops:

He told me I need to stop masturbating so vigorously

When I asked why,

he said it was making his desk wobble.
:lol: :lol:

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

1 inch - Are you taking the piss?
2 inch - I can't even hold it properly.
3 inch - Never been so unsatisfied in my life.
4 inch - I've had bigger.
5 inch - Good, but not enough!
6 inch - About right.
8 inch - Fucking perfect when your drunk.
10 inch - It's hurting my insides.
12 inch - I'm absolutely fucking destroyed.

How do you rate your Domino pizza?

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A recent survey reported that one fifth of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.

I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick.

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

Stuart L (2) wrote:
Fri May 03, 2024 12:19 pm
I had to go to the doctors this week due to having a very sore penis :oops:

He told me I need to stop masturbating so vigorously

When I asked why,

he said it was making his desk wobble.
:coffeespit: :high5: :lol: :lol: :lol:


Nice one Stuart

" A recent survey reported that one fifth of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.

I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle fingering usually does the trick."


Nice one Lefty Me ole mucker !


:lol: :lol: :lol: :cheers:

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I asked 100 women at the leisure centre what shampoo they used whilst showering?

95% replied, "what the fuck are you doing in here?

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Sun May 05, 2024 12:36 pm
I asked 100 women at the leisure centre what shampoo they used whilst showering?

95% replied, "what the fuck are you doing in here?
:lol: :lol: :lol:

You crease me up Lefty! :high5:

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