LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Don't know who I'm talking to cos no cunnt comes on this thread


I do lefty .... got a rugby club gig and local beer festival turn coming up and needed an update of my material or should i say yours !!!!!
Keep em coming mate COYG

I will have to come and see one of my gigs soon

You'll probably ask for your money back, mate although the Houston joke is a cracker

Perhaps you could get a job at FIFA as their joke writer?!

Think it would be very harsh if I had to pay to see my own gig tbh

I wouldn't mind working for fifa and yes I would take backhanders for votes, couldn't care less where the world cup is played and we would all love to retire early

Be harsh on anyone to pay.

Took me a while but I've just sussed out who you are arse, your Lenny Henry aren't you

[Top Londoner]

Sorry Lefty, but I'm gonna hijack your brilliant thread mate.
I didn't want to start a new thread for a daft subject, and I thought that only the discerning poster should get the info that I have to share. So what better that post it on the best thread on OG.

Okay. So we all know the stupid cost of razor blades, with exception to the great unwashed lazy *word censored* with beards.
I've not changed my razor blade since January this year. I shave three times a week.
What is required is silicon, like the red kitchen spatchelor food stirrers. £3 - £4
Or in DB'S case, his very well worn 12 inch silicon dildo.
Once your blade starts to nick your skin, leave it to dry out. Run the blade along the silicon, away from you five or six times. It sharpens the blade. FACT. Each time it has lasted me several more great shaves. Then continue again and again and again ad infinitum. Derek and Clive live.


Thanks Lefty.












WENGER OUT

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Sorry Lefty, but I'm gonna hijack your brilliant thread mate.
I didn't want to start a new thread for a daft subject, and I thought that only the discerning poster should get the info that I have to share. So what better that post it on the best thread on OG.

Okay. So we all know the stupid cost of razor blades, with exception to the great unwashed lazy *word censored* with beards.
I've not changed my razor blade since January this year. I shave three times a week.
What is required is silicon, like the red kitchen spatchelor food stirrers. £3 - £4
Or in DB'S case, his very well worn 12 inch silicon dildo.
Once your blade starts to nick your skin, leave it to dry out. Run the blade along the silicon, away from you five or six times. It sharpens the blade. FACT. Each time it has lasted me several more great shaves. Then continue again and again and again ad infinitum. Derek and Clive live.


Thanks Lefty.












WENGER OUT

Hello TL, sounds interesting, I would imagine the Oirish male dwarves on here would find that helpful and tbf so would most of their women

Spuddy and DB though are Ewoks and they would require sheep shears to shift their hair.

[Postman]

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robbers face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.


He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then one old cowboy named Bill from Oklahoma slowly raised hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch that Fukin wall!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie?
A: All of Ken's stuff.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."

The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"

To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here -- how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The England Women's football team summed up every date I have ever had:

Teased for ninety minutes, finished self off and then fucked off home.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I thought the man who was sat next to me on the tube might have been a terrorist. But then I remembered that terrorists were incredibly organised individuals who plan their attacks down to the finest detail.

"He can't have been, then", I thought. "The stupid fucker's got off and forgotten his back pack".

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Murphy's Law: You wait and wait, but the minute you use the stethoscope to listen to your balls, the doctor walks in.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Life was so simple before I got married.

I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

You know you're drunk when you get home, put food in the microwave and then enter your pin number.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The waitress noticed me struggling to open the mini cornflake packet in the breakfast buffet.

"Just slide your finger between the flaps", she suggested.


That finished badly.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Tits man or arse man?" I was asked.

I really should have got in there earlier when they were giving out super hero names.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just been offered eight legs of venison for £50.
Is that too dear?