LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"
The banker says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

We call our grandad "Spiderman".

He hasn't got any super powers - he just finds it difficult to get out of the bath.

[Postman]

Prince Charles and the Hooker
You can't resist British humour!!
Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day to maintain his fitness.
At the same street corner, he passed a hooker, standing there every day.


Embarrassed, he learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence..
She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.
As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her 150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hookers corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five quid, you tight bastard!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I took my son to school for the first time today and I was amazed at the number of mums turning up in four-by-fours. I thought to myself, "They will never use those for off-roading."

Then I saw them trying to park.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm starting to get self-conscious about my body odour. On my last two dates, the woman has sprayed me with perfume before we had sex.

Not sure of the brand but it had a distinct sharp, peppery smell.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

If a tree falls down, and only a woman hears it..

What was a tree doing in my kitchen?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Nigel Farage has called for the introduction of an Australian cricket-based immigration system...

All out in less than two hours.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I told my wife that I heard a Chinese man sing Hero at karaoke tonight.

"The Mariah Carey song?" she asked.

"No, Lionel Richie."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction. Long penises were going for £100 and thick penises were going for £300."
The husband asked, "What would mine go for?"
The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free."
The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for £500 and tight vaginas for £1,000."
"How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every day.
One day he told her, "You have been with me through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were there.
When we lost the house, you were there.
When my health started failing, you were there.
You know what?"
"What is it, dear?" she asked.
He responded, "I think you bring me bad luck."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I went for a job interview today.

I was asked, "What do you do when things don't go to plan?"

I said, "I'll blame someone else."

Needless to say, I start working for Chelsea next week.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise.

I shouted "Stop!" but, if anything, that made things worse.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth."

Reflecting on his life, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom."

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.

The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife waddled into the house after lunch today.

"You'll never believe what happened to Mary from the café," she said. "She badly burned both her hands."

"Can't say I'm surprised," I told her. "Probably friction from rubbing them together when you walked in."