LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[Rosie_titters]

3 dogs, sitting in the vets

when the first dog says, What are you, in here for Fido?". Fido replies, "I bite my owners little girl last night, and he is going to have me put down". The other two dogs say "man thats bad".

The first dog then says to the second dog, "What are you in here for Rover?" Rover replies "I am old, and I can't stop shitting and pissing myself", so my owner is also going to have me put down" , the other two dogs, said that is awful.

Rover then asked the first dog "Why are you here?. Rex replies "Well last night, my owner came downstairs naked, and when he bent over, to look into the fridge, i went up behind him, mounted him and fucked him from behind". The other dogs replied "What?, he is having you put down for that",

Rex replies "No i am here to have my claws clipped"

[northbank123]

Four places competing for second UK City of Culture Award: Dundee, Leicester, Hull and Swansea Bay

[corkbarry]

wrong thread

[goonertux]

I got into an embarrassing situation at a swinger's party last night. I snuck up behind an older lady, started f***ing her from behind, then looked up and suddenly realised that the bloke on the other end of the spitroast, getting a blowjob, was my old man! I said "Dad, after 30 years of marriage, I can't believe you're being unfaithful to mum!"
He replied "I'm not!"

[StuartL]

apparently dyslexic Africans have been laying flowers at the door of their local Nissan Maindealer.

[Bradywasking]

In an effort to cheer up the patients in the run up to Christmas children from North London are visiting the Arsenal treatment room.

[Postman]

A Red Indian introduced me to his wife...
"This is four horses" He said.
I said, wow that's a beautiful name, what does it mean....?
He said,
"Nag,nag,nag,nag!"......

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Let's spare a thought for the man who told his wife that he was going to China on the Malaysian plane and now can't leave his girlfriend's apartment.....

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Searchers of the missing Malaysian plane have found the Wings...

Mr and Mrs Wing say they don't know where the plane is though.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The scariest thing about this World War Three starting is that we are on the Germans' side.

They've never won a World War yet.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.

"Well, it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.

"Really?" he asked.

"No," I replied.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Every woman is a feminist.

Until the first swing.

Then it's all, "You can't hit a girl."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Over the past week, I've burgled ten houses in Liverpool.

It feels great to get my stuff back.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I told my office junior that I'd promote her if she gave me a blow job.

She did, so I wrote: "Samantha gives great head" on the gent's wall.