Health inspector in bakery catches Paddy using his false teeth to put design on the pastries, Hey! yells the inspector "have you no tool"
Yes says Paddy but I only use that for the donuts!
FRIDAY JOKE
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franksav63
- Posts: 14520
- Joined: Sat Dec 13, 2008 2:07 pm
- Location: Home - Whitechapel - Arsenal Block 6 - Twitter - @franksav63
- Contact:
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12thGooner
- Posts: 2398
- Joined: Thu Jun 19, 2008 8:27 am
- Location: 103117114109111107104
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I Hate Hleb
- Posts: 18632
- Joined: Wed May 16, 2007 3:36 pm
- Location: London
Went out with a Chinese bird last year. After a great first date, she invited back to her place. When we arrived she asked what I wanted from her - she was willing to do anything for me such was the impression I had made on her. Well, after a little thought I asked if she'd give me a 69. To which she repied: I ain't cooking at this time of the evening!! 
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olgitgooner
- Posts: 7431
- Joined: Fri Nov 16, 2007 12:39 am
- Location: Brexitland
English guy goes on a business trip to Hong Kong.
Pulled a Chinese woman. Gave her great sex.
During his performance she kept shouting "yang tong, yang tong", which he presumed meant, "fucking great" or "oh YES!".
Next day, he goes for a round of golf with his Chinese business contact.
The Chinese guy hits a fantastic shot. Hits the green, bounces once, hits the pin.
English guy goes "yang tong, yang tong!".
Chinese guy says "what you mean, wrong hole?"
Pulled a Chinese woman. Gave her great sex.
During his performance she kept shouting "yang tong, yang tong", which he presumed meant, "fucking great" or "oh YES!".
Next day, he goes for a round of golf with his Chinese business contact.
The Chinese guy hits a fantastic shot. Hits the green, bounces once, hits the pin.
English guy goes "yang tong, yang tong!".
Chinese guy says "what you mean, wrong hole?"
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mr top banana
- Posts: 31
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2008 4:39 pm
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me..
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly..
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him..
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me..
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly..
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago..
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him..
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
Redneck Driver's Application.
Last name: ________________
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
Last name: ________________
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
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GunnerDude
- Posts: 3176
- Joined: Fri Feb 06, 2009 12:57 pm
- Location: Here with Christina Hendricks
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OneBardGooner
- Posts: 43366
- Joined: Sat Apr 04, 2009 9:41 am
- Location: Close To The Edge
Whilst walking across a bridge one day I saw a man standing right at the
edge, clearly about to jump off. So I ran over to him and said "Stop!!
Don't do it!"
He said "Why shouldn't I?".
I said, "Well - there's so much to live for"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you a religious man or an atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist or perhaps Muslim or Hindu?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist
Church of the Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you
Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Heavens - so am I! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God,
Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of
1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!"
I said, “me too!â€
edge, clearly about to jump off. So I ran over to him and said "Stop!!
Don't do it!"
He said "Why shouldn't I?".
I said, "Well - there's so much to live for"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you a religious man or an atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist or perhaps Muslim or Hindu?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist
Church of the Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you
Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Heavens - so am I! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God,
Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of
1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!"
I said, “me too!â€
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northbankbren
- Posts: 4709
- Joined: Mon Dec 11, 2006 2:47 pm
- Location: Im just behind the bloke sitting in front of me.
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flash gunner
- Posts: 29243
- Joined: Tue Nov 06, 2007 6:55 am
- Location: Armchairsville. FACT.
