Official Weekly Joke Thread
- DB10GOONER
- Posts: 59677
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
Official Weekly Joke Thread
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math. His parents tried everything...tutors, flash cards, special learning centres...In short, everything they could think of to improve Tommy's grades just wasn't working.
As a last ditch effort, they enrolled Tommy in the local Catholic School.
After Tommy's first day at the new school, he came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello, but walked straight to his room and started studying.
Books and paper were soon spread out all over the room with Tommy hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched right back to his room without a word and started hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on day after day while his mother tried to understand what was making the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He placed it quietly on the table and walked directly to his room to hit the books again.
With great curiosity, Tommy's mom opened the report card, and to her delight, little Tommy got an A+ in math!
She had to know why the Catholic School had made such a difference, so she went to Tommy's room. "So, what was it? Was it the nuns?" she asked.
Little Tommy kept his eyes on the ground and shook his head "No."
"Was it the books...the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?"
Little Tommy again shook his head "No". "Then what was it?"
Little Tommy looked at her, with a fearful expression on his face, and finally answered.
"Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fucking around."
As a last ditch effort, they enrolled Tommy in the local Catholic School.
After Tommy's first day at the new school, he came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello, but walked straight to his room and started studying.
Books and paper were soon spread out all over the room with Tommy hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched right back to his room without a word and started hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on day after day while his mother tried to understand what was making the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He placed it quietly on the table and walked directly to his room to hit the books again.
With great curiosity, Tommy's mom opened the report card, and to her delight, little Tommy got an A+ in math!
She had to know why the Catholic School had made such a difference, so she went to Tommy's room. "So, what was it? Was it the nuns?" she asked.
Little Tommy kept his eyes on the ground and shook his head "No."
"Was it the books...the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?"
Little Tommy again shook his head "No". "Then what was it?"
Little Tommy looked at her, with a fearful expression on his face, and finally answered.
"Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fucking around."
- DB10GOONER
- Posts: 59677
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
An oldie but a goldie - some of the "yoof" members mightn't have heard it yet...
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in theUnited States.'
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'what's your business role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'
'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'
'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name!'
'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in theUnited States.'
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'what's your business role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'
'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'
'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name!'
'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'
- Eboue-Why?
- Posts: 4216
- Joined: Fri Mar 21, 2008 6:26 pm
- Location: Sunny Surrey
A ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small outback village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie
"Hey, mind if I talk to your dog? "
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, stupid "
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate? "
Dog: "Doin' all right. "
Aussi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner? " (pointing at the
villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you? "
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play. "
Aussi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse? "
Aussi: "Uh, the horse don't talk either. . . . I think. "
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going? "
Horse: "Cool"
Aussi: (absolutely dumbfounded, "as most Ozzys look)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner? " (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Aussi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep? "
Aussi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar. "
"Hey, mind if I talk to your dog? "
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, stupid "
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate? "
Dog: "Doin' all right. "
Aussi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner? " (pointing at the
villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you? "
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play. "
Aussi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse? "
Aussi: "Uh, the horse don't talk either. . . . I think. "
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going? "
Horse: "Cool"
Aussi: (absolutely dumbfounded, "as most Ozzys look)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner? " (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Aussi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep? "
Aussi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar. "
- DB10GOONER
- Posts: 59677
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea
One called Justin and the other called Kristian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the Cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Kristian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',
came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
.
.
.
'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian'
One called Justin and the other called Kristian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the Cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Kristian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',
came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,
and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
.
.
.
'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian'
- Gooner Jim
- Posts: 1336
- Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:09 pm
- Location: Spurs trophy cabinet, there’s a lot of room here
- Gooner Jim
- Posts: 1336
- Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:09 pm
- Location: Spurs trophy cabinet, there’s a lot of room here
- DB10GOONER
- Posts: 59677
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
- DB10GOONER
- Posts: 59677
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
- Gooner Jim
- Posts: 1336
- Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:09 pm
- Location: Spurs trophy cabinet, there’s a lot of room here