Official Weekly Joke Thread

As we're unlikely to see terraces again at football, this is the virtual equivalent where you can chat to your hearts content about all football matters and, obviously, Arsenal in particular. This forum encourages all Gooners to visit and contribute so please keep it respectful, clean and topical.
User avatar
DB10GOONER
Posts: 59677
Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
Location: Dublin, Ireland.
Contact:

Official Weekly Joke Thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math. His parents tried everything...tutors, flash cards, special learning centres...In short, everything they could think of to improve Tommy's grades just wasn't working.

As a last ditch effort, they enrolled Tommy in the local Catholic School.

After Tommy's first day at the new school, he came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello, but walked straight to his room and started studying.

Books and paper were soon spread out all over the room with Tommy hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched right back to his room without a word and started hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on day after day while his mother tried to understand what was making the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He placed it quietly on the table and walked directly to his room to hit the books again.

With great curiosity, Tommy's mom opened the report card, and to her delight, little Tommy got an A+ in math!

She had to know why the Catholic School had made such a difference, so she went to Tommy's room. "So, what was it? Was it the nuns?" she asked.

Little Tommy kept his eyes on the ground and shook his head "No."

"Was it the books...the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?"

Little Tommy again shook his head "No". "Then what was it?"

Little Tommy looked at her, with a fearful expression on his face, and finally answered.

"Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fucking around."

:lol:

User avatar
DB10GOONER
Posts: 59677
Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
Location: Dublin, Ireland.
Contact:

Post by DB10GOONER »

An oldie but a goldie - some of the "yoof" members mightn't have heard it yet...

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?'

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in theUnited States.'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'what's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.'

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know
your name!'

'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.'

:-P

User avatar
OneBardGooner
Posts: 43390
Joined: Sat Apr 04, 2009 9:41 am
Location: Close To The Edge

Post by OneBardGooner »

:lol: :lol: :lol:

User avatar
corkbarry
Posts: 3478
Joined: Thu Jul 19, 2007 2:59 pm
Location: Cork

Post by corkbarry »

Are you sure that Heathrow was an Airport when that joke was first told :lol:

User avatar
Eboue-Why?
Posts: 4216
Joined: Fri Mar 21, 2008 6:26 pm
Location: Sunny Surrey

Post by Eboue-Why? »

Say what you like about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools..


(Don't shoot me I'm only the messenger)

pixie
Posts: 1753
Joined: Sun Feb 03, 2008 1:17 am
Location: 16.28 miles from Ashburton Grove

Post by pixie »

Buying Cristiano Ronaldo - £80 million
Wages per week - £225,000
Signing on bonus - £3 million
Future goal and assist bonusses - £1.5 million

The look on Manchester United fans faces next season when they realise they were in fact a one-man team - Priceless

pixie
Posts: 1753
Joined: Sun Feb 03, 2008 1:17 am
Location: 16.28 miles from Ashburton Grove

Post by pixie »

A ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small outback village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie

"Hey, mind if I talk to your dog? "

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, stupid "

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate? "

Dog: "Doin' all right. "

Aussi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner? " (pointing at the
villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you? "

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play. "

Aussi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse? "

Aussi: "Uh, the horse don't talk either. . . . I think. "

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going? "

Horse: "Cool"

Aussi: (absolutely dumbfounded, "as most Ozzys look)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner? " (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Aussi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep? "

Aussi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar. "

User avatar
DB10GOONER
Posts: 59677
Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
Location: Dublin, Ireland.
Contact:

Post by DB10GOONER »

corkbarry wrote:Are you sure that Heathrow was an Airport when that joke was first told :lol:
meeeiow! :lol:

GadgetMan
Posts: 98
Joined: Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:13 am

Post by GadgetMan »

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;

I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the Cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,

he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

'Where's Kristian?' he asked.

'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark',

came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'

Kristian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy,

and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........

.
.
.
'I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian'

User avatar
Gooner Jim
Posts: 1336
Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:09 pm
Location: Spurs trophy cabinet, there’s a lot of room here

Post by Gooner Jim »

David Blaine is apparently furious. He discovered his 44day record of doing nothing in the box was smashed by michael owen :lol:

User avatar
Gooner Jim
Posts: 1336
Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:09 pm
Location: Spurs trophy cabinet, there’s a lot of room here

Post by Gooner Jim »

SKY SPORTS BREAKING NEWS.....
Alan Shearer has announced that next season shirt sponsers of newcastle will be tampax. A spokesman for tampax said " To sponser a bunch of *word censored* going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about"
:lol:

User avatar
Postman
Posts: 352
Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:21 am
Location: N5

Post by Postman »

Gooner Jim wrote:David Blaine is apparently furious. He discovered his 44day record of doing nothing in the box was smashed by michael owen :lol:
HOT PRESS

Jade Goody just broke this record :roll:

User avatar
DB10GOONER
Posts: 59677
Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
Location: Dublin, Ireland.
Contact:

Post by DB10GOONER »

Postman wrote:
Gooner Jim wrote:David Blaine is apparently furious. He discovered his 44day record of doing nothing in the box was smashed by michael owen :lol:
HOT PRESS

Jade Goody just broke this record :roll:
:shock:

Tin hats on!! :lol:

User avatar
DB10GOONER
Posts: 59677
Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
Location: Dublin, Ireland.
Contact:

Post by DB10GOONER »

At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.

The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.

They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?










Don’t look down!


:lol:

User avatar
Gooner Jim
Posts: 1336
Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:09 pm
Location: Spurs trophy cabinet, there’s a lot of room here

Post by Gooner Jim »

Postman wrote:
Gooner Jim wrote:David Blaine is apparently furious. He discovered his 44day record of doing nothing in the box was smashed by michael owen :lol:
HOT PRESS

Jade Goody just broke this record :roll:
:lol:

Post Reply