LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of masturbation.

Still got kicked out of my Weight Watchers meeting though.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Raunchy novelist Jackie Collins has died.

Out of respect, her family want her coffin to be gently eased into moist soil, then taken out and rammed in again.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Thanks to Volkswagen, I'm now even starting to doubt if Herbie was a true story.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Ireland versus Romania set a new record for a Rugby World Cup crowd.

It also set a new world record for the largest gathering of caravans in a car park

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Muslim asylum seekers are claiming they've converted to Christianity to increase their chances of gaining asylum.

Immigration are rolling out their new Muslim detection kits: a pint and a bacon sandwich.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

It's fine that Jamaica want reparations for enduring slavery.

They can take it out of what Rome owes us.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I saw a sign when we visited Chester Zoo today. "Do Not Feed The Animals"

"It's £10 for a burger," I said to my wife. "I'm not even feeding the kids."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was watching the New Avengers Assemble movie when my wife asked, "What superpower would you have if you could have any?"

"Invisibility," I replied.

"I'm intrigued," she went on. "What would you do if you were invisible?"

"Sit here and watch the TV in peace," I replied.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I never did get my dream job as a sound technician but I'm not one to one to one to complain.

[Top Londoner]

I got fired on my first day as a bingo caller, I think some members complained of my inappropriate bingo lingo...

In particular...

"If there's hair on the muff, then fair enough, 15."

<coffee spit>

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've been politely reprimanded about my sexist comments because someone made a complaint so no more jokes, get your own.

Own up who was it.....

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I have just been interviewing people for a post at my work.
The first guy was fresh from university and very eager.
The second guy had a degree and five years experience.
The woman had two degrees and twelve years experience.
I am all for equal opportunities, so of course I employed the woman.
I'll only have to pay her half as much.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What's funnier than a female comedian?

Everything.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way.

Through the driver's door.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

For me golf is a lot like women; if she isn't holding my wood, she should be holding an iron.