LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What's the Difference between Red & Green?
Fuck all apparently if you’re on a bike.

[DB10GOONER]

I was in the kitchen when a flying insect came through the window and exploded. I think it was a jihaddy longlegs.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

[DB10GOONER]

The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.
"How is she?" I asked. "Very critical," replied the officer. "What's she fucking complaining about now?" I said.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've been paying £2 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year.

I missed 2 payments and they've just been round and broken my cat’s legs.

[Block93]

New research shows porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.

Not sure that it accurately reflects the everyday duties within the Nursing profession either.


(PS Some absolute corkers in this thread of late!!)

[Midz]

The cats

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I need back up here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet"

"Why not"

"The floor's still wet."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm worried something might be wrong with my testicles.
One seems bigger than the others.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife left me because of my insecurities.

No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I called up the doctor and said, "Doctor, my wife is going into labour and her contractions are coming really fast!
What should I do?"
"Is this her first child?" he asked.
"No, this is her husband."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I unfortunately mixed up my sleeping pills with my Viagra.
I ended up having forty wanks.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

To the person who stole my antidepressants

I HOPE YOUR HAPPY NOW!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?"
"Rhino!"
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"You will always remember this day as the happiest day of your life"

"But the Wedding is not until tomorrow dad"

"I know, son"