LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Apr 21, 2018 9:02 am

“Our Grandparents fought Nazis so we could be called Nazis for believing what our Grandparents believed.”

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Apr 21, 2018 9:03 am

Every third chick's Tinder profile specifies a height, beneath which she's not interested.
My Tinder profile specifies a weight, ABOVE which I'M not interested.
Weight can be changed.
Height cannot.
And yet, somehow, I’m the arsehole?
Or is that not how equality works?

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Apr 21, 2018 9:05 am

After almost a year in a coma my wife is having to learn the basics again. Like how to walk, how to talk, how to feed herself, and how not to argue with me at the top of the stairs again.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Apr 21, 2018 9:19 am

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?”
“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.”
I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 19 year old daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya... Prove it.”
I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Apr 21, 2018 10:39 am

The vagina is the best engine in the world. It can be started with one finger, It's self-lubricating, It accepts any size piston, It even changes its own oil every four weeks. It's a shame that the management system is so fucking temperamental...

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Apr 21, 2018 10:39 am

Why do people think Jesus is coming back? He wasn’t nailed to a fucking boomerang.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Apr 21, 2018 10:42 am

90% of being married is shouting “WHAT?” from other rooms.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Apr 21, 2018 10:43 am

You can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits!

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Apr 21, 2018 10:44 am

What’s the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Apr 21, 2018 10:46 am

“Nationalism doesn’t make sense. How can you take credit for the accomplishments of your ancestors?” (Leftists)

“You should apologise for colonialism and slavery!” (Also Leftists)

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Apr 21, 2018 10:46 am

Oranges are actually male or female.

If it squirts in your eye without warning, it’s a male.

And if it’s bitter for no fucking reason, it’s s female.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Sat Apr 21, 2018 10:51 am

Phones are so expensive nowadays when you fall and hear a crack you hope it’s just your leg.

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby OneBardGooner » Thu May 10, 2018 12:34 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

As always Great work LFG :barscarf: :hail:

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby LeftfootlegendGooner » Tue Jul 31, 2018 11:05 am

My wife said to me that holiday sex is definitely the best.

That's the worst postcard I've ever had tbf.

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Postby DB10GOONER » Wed Aug 01, 2018 12:25 pm

My wife said to me that holiday sex is definitely the best.

That's the worst postcard I've ever had tbf.
:lol:

Poor old Finsbury Park Gooner..... :lol: :wink:


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