Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy? Something inside me says yes!

"You're so childish" screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends, this is ridiculous, this relationship is over!"

"This relationship is what? Over"

"Dad, whats the difference between a pussy and *word censored*?" young son asks. "Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "that's a pussy son." "Its wonderful dad, can I touch it?" "NO son," says dad, "If yo...

Two priests are driving down the road when they are stopped by two police officers.

"We're looking for two child molesters," the officers tell them.

The priests look at each other for a moment before replying, "We'll do it."

A man sunbathes in the nude and ends up burning his penis. His doctor tells him to ease the pain by dipping it in a saucer of cold milk. Later, his blonde wife comes home and finds him with his dick in a saucer of cold milk. "Good heavens!" she remarks "I always wondered how you reloa...

Lonely hearts and. "I am a single man (30) seeking a life-partner to share my soul with. I am sensitive, caring and have a deeply loving nature. If you wish to give me your heart, I will give you mine and know that, held within your gentle hands, it will be safe for ever. "No fat birds.&qu...

"Diana!" I said greeting my Mother-In-Law as she walked through the door...
She said, "My name's Anna."

I said, "Yeah, I know."

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Feefiphobia.

When I was a kid my parents used to make me walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.
So I've had to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.

Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?
Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan

I wonder what Cambridge University Netball Team abbreviate their name to?

I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for Christmas.

Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I'm now in casualty...

BBC News: Bad drivers to face £100 fines...

Seems a bit sexist.