Tuesday Joke thread

[BRAZILLIANT 19]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain,rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f*cking dishes!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street, he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

"Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs*it middle class w*nkhole please you
c*nt", he says to a somewhat startled barman.

The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help
you sir?" he says "Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in
the c*nting window and I'm here to audition......w*nker."
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.

The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?"
"That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nt's blind..."
"Oh" says the manager...err, can you play me another. Something a
little less 'lively'".

"W*nker" interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
that leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title. "That little number was called 'Sometimes when you do a
bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end'".
"I see" says the manager, "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?" "Well there's my jazz number 'Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece', or there's the epic 'I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs'".

"Look" says the manager interrupting, "I think you're a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little racy. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience".

"F*ck it" says the pianist "Why not".

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd is lapping up his
repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing
putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde
in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.

During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the
stage and finishes his act.

After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.

"Hi" she says. "Hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?"

Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and yells........... "Know it?" - "I f*cking wrote it!!!"

[BRAZILLIANT 19]

A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth."

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. The national grid comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full house and the national grid on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"

"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24."

"F**k me," says the bingo caller. "You've won the raffle as well."

[BRAZILLIANT 19]

A young woman was in a coma following a RTA. She had been on full life support for months

Nurse was in her room giving her a blanket bath.
She was washing her where the Sun don't shine and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched the patient.
She tried it again and sure enough there was a measurable response.

She paged the Ward Sister. Ward Sister paged the Registrar. He was impressed, too.


So he called in the husband and explained what seemed to be happening, telling him,
"We've tried all else. Looks like a little oral sex might really do the trick."


The husband was sceptical, but was assured that privacy would be respected. So finally he agreed and went in.

After twenty minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The Registrar panicked and rushed back in.

"Oh my God! What happened, Mr. Williams?" .



"I'm not sure; but I think she's choked".

[augie]

[RocastleRock]

' know it!! i fucking wrote it'. haha, think i pissed myself with that line. great jokes.

[BRAZILLIANT 19]

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

[BRAZILLIANT 19]

one for MrGnu

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

[Gooner Jim]

Paddy and Mick went to donate sperm in London. The day was a disaster. Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus

[BRAZILLIANT 19]

A couple were invited to a swanky family's masked, fancy dress
Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache! She told her
husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some
aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to
be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without
pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her
husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself,he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the backseat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home; put the costume away and
sat up reading when he came in. She asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced once. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life

[Gooner Jim]

2 unemployed Irish men see a sign in a police station window
'TWO POLISH MEN WANTED FOR RAPE'
Paddy: Stupid Poles get all the good jobs

[BRAZILLIANT 19]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the
news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news

The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the

bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."










Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon can I go home?"

[Gooner Jim]

Two Irish couples decide to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says to Mick "I wonder how the girls are getting on"

[Gooner Jim]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the
news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news

The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the

bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."










Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon can I go home?"

however I dont like the way I die in it

[DB10GOONER]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the
news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news

The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the

bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."










Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon can I go home?"

however I dont like the way I die in it

I know of a few "Paddies" that have no problem with it!!

[Gooner Jim]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the
news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news

The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the

bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."










Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How
soon can I go home?"

however I dont like the way I die in it

I know of a few "Paddies" that have no problem with it!!

its only because the Irish can take a joke. I have jokes that could offend many races on the my phone. My dad gets aload.
PM your phone number and ill text them to you