New day new week new joke

Postman · Post by **Postman** » Mon Jun 01, 2009 8:33 am

Ole was walking home late at night, through the park and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars" she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the hell, it's only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them-- it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making luff to my vife," Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry." says the cop. "I didn't know."

"Vell," says Ole, "I din't neder, 'til you shine dat light in her face!

Only One Tony Adams · Mon Jun 01, 2009 11:17 am

Postman · Post by **Postman** » Mon Jun 01, 2009 5:41 pm

A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK,

made up of Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis,
Bosnians,Turks,Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis,
Ethiopians, Russians,Congolese, Zimbabweans, Portuguese and Nigerians

were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

OneBardGooner · Post by **OneBardGooner** » Mon Jun 01, 2009 5:47 pm

Postman wrote:A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK,

made up of Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis,
Bosnians,Turks,Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis,
Ethiopians, Russians,Congolese, Zimbabweans, Portuguese and Nigerians

were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

OneBardGooner · Post by **OneBardGooner** » Mon Jun 01, 2009 6:09 pm

There's a Very Elderly couple in a coffee shop - sat in the corner and at the table next to them is a young couple - the elderly couple are holding hands across the table - and are calling each other sweet heart and seem to be so in love - that the young couple can't help but think wow! even at this late stage in life they're still very much in love...The young coule are so taken by this demonstration of affection that they ask the couple how long they've been married?

"Sixty Three Years, we met when we were both seventeen years of age - and we've been together ever since" they simultaneously reply holding hands and smiling...."and today is the anniversary of our second date"

The young couple are gobsmacked '"Sixty Three Years!?....Please let us pay your bill, it would be our honour..."

The elderly couple thank the youngsters profusely but say it's not necessary though they very much appreciate the offer.......the elderly couple carry on chatting and the man says to his wife..."Hey! Mary do you remember the night of our second date?" and she answers "Of course I do..it was right here in this coffee shop, though the name and decor has changed , it used to be the Copper Kettle Tea Rooms and we had 2 pots of tea and some madeira cake"....the young couple carry on eavesdroppng as the old couple talk about their courting days....

The elderly man then whispers " hey! Mary do you remember what we did on that evening out the back here?" - The woman blushing says "Shhhh Harry someone'll hear you".....

The young couple become even more entrigued and pretend to carry on their own cnversation whilst listening to the elderly couple...

Harry says "Hey! Mary it is our anniversary, why don't we take a trip down memory lane properly, let's go out back and have a cuddle!?"...Mary whisper's back...."Okay, but let's be discreet"

So they both get up and as Harry is paying the bill, Mary goes out through the back door....Harry quickly follows with a furtive glance to see if anyone has noticed their exit via the back door.....The young couple pretend not to notice and continue pretending to talk..as soon as Harry has gone through the door, the young couple get up pay their bill and head out the same way....they get to the back door and can hear moaning and screaming - they open the door a few inches and there sure enough are Harry and Mary are stood up going at it like rabbits against the wire fence...they are both screaming and shouting and thrashing about like a pair of young lovers....this goes on for about 30 minutes and the young couple are absolutely gobsmacked by the elderly couples stamina...finally Mary screams a last loud gasp and falls to the ground with Harry on top of her....

The young man cannot keep hidden any more and stepping out into the cool night air says

"Wow! that's amazing - you're both Eighty Years of age and you can still manage to have wild, passionate, animal sex standing up for half an hour!!!.....is this where you made love all them years ago on your second date - out here against the fence???"

Harry who is still panting and looking very pale, looks up from the ground and says "we sure did young man, only back then there was no such thing as an electrified fence"

pixie · Post by **pixie** » Mon Jun 01, 2009 10:11 pm

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with
endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still

very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host,

'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names'.

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said,

'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago,

and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky miserable old bitch what her name is.

pixie · Post by **pixie** » Tue Jun 02, 2009 11:24 pm

I said to my mate, "You'll never believe what happened last night."
He says, "Well then, tell me what happened."
I said, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch."
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "'Of course, you can', and shut the fucking door."

pixie · Post by **pixie** » Fri Jun 05, 2009 12:46 am

Big Brother begins tonight. So that's two types of moron off the streets, those that watch it and those that go on it.

pixie · Post by **pixie** » Fri Jun 05, 2009 12:47 am

I was rather disappointed in the low turnout at my local polling station.

I don't see why people should struggle to put a cross in a box.

Then again, I do live in Newcastle.

Postman · Post by **Postman** » Fri Jun 05, 2009 1:26 pm

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I
mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding
behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Post by **g88ner** » Fri Jun 05, 2009 1:31 pm

Postman wrote:I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Quality jokes, Postman.... but you saved the best 'til last!

BRAZILLIANT 19 · Post by **BRAZILLIANT 19** » Fri Jun 05, 2009 1:32 pm

Postman wrote:A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK,

made up of Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis,
Bosnians,Turks,Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis,
Ethiopians, Russians,Congolese, Zimbabweans, Portuguese and Nigerians

were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

Postie,you missed out Scousers

olgitgooner · Post by **olgitgooner** » Fri Jun 05, 2009 1:43 pm

American, English and Irish newly wed couples having breakfast in a honeymoon hotel.

American guy looks lovingly across the table at his new wife, and says "Pass me the honey........honey."

Englishman overhears this. And says to his wife "Pass me the sugar......sugar."

Irishman overhears this. And says to his wife "Pass me the bacon......pig."

Post by **I Hate Hleb** » Fri Jun 05, 2009 2:02 pm

Fantastic work there postie!! Been pissing myself after every joke.

My three favourites were:

Postman wrote:....

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding
behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Quality!!

OneBardGooner · Post by **OneBardGooner** » Fri Jun 05, 2009 9:59 pm

BRAZILLIANT 19 wrote:
Postman wrote:A cross-section survey of 1000 people in the UK,

made up of Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis,
Bosnians,Turks,Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis,
Ethiopians, Russians,Congolese, Zimbabweans, Portuguese and Nigerians

were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro.
Postie,you missed out Scousers

or could make it:

A survey was carried out in Liverpool of 10,000 scousers who were all asked if they thought Britain should change its currency to Euro.

99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro, the other 0.1% said that they thought it should change to roof lead and hubcaps...