A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th wedding anniversary.
As the couple reflect on that magical night 25 years ago, the wife asked "when you first saw my naked body, what was going through your mind?" the husband replied "all I wanted to do was fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry"
"and what are you thinking now she replied"
"looks like I did a good job!!!
Put the xmas tree up last night, found a pressie I forgot to give the kid last year.
Should have seen his face as he unwrapped it....poot little kitten.
After no dates or sex for 5 years, a woman goes to see chinese sex therapist Dr Chang.
He says "harro take off all your croase, get down and craw reery reery fast to otherside of room"
She does. "ok craw reery reery fast back" As she did Dr Chang shook his head. "Your probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case of ed zachary disease I ever sor, dat why you get no man.
"Oh my god doctor! what's ed zachary disease"
Dr Chang says "it when your face look ed zachary like your arse"
JOKE THREAD (for old and new jokes)
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
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DB10GOONER
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REBEL GOONER wrote:Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
-
DB10GOONER
- Posts: 59212
- Joined: Tue Jan 16, 2007 2:06 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland.
- Contact:
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brazilianGOONER
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- Contact:
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DB10GOONER
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I Hate Hleb
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DB10GOONER
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The phone call.
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, Rrriiiinnnngg!
'Hello?'
'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
Brief pause...
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'
Brief Pause...
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy - just a minute.'
A few minutes later...
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long Pause...
'Swimming pool? What Swimming Pool...?!’
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, Rrriiiinnnngg!
'Hello?'
'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
Brief pause...
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'
Brief Pause...
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy - just a minute.'
A few minutes later...
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long Pause...
'Swimming pool? What Swimming Pool...?!’
