A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar, both getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.
"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied.
"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.
When they get to her house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather, jet black dominatrix outfit.
However, as she's coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.
"What happened?", she said. "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"
He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."
The official joke thread
An old man is just back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.
Lying in bed,his new bride is playingwith his manhood slowlystroking it up and down. The old man says
'You must love that, you haven't left italone since we got back.'
The bride sighed wistfully and replied 'Not really .... I just really miss mine.'
Lying in bed,his new bride is playingwith his manhood slowlystroking it up and down. The old man says
'You must love that, you haven't left italone since we got back.'
The bride sighed wistfully and replied 'Not really .... I just really miss mine.'
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"
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mr top banana
- Posts: 31
- Joined: Tue Nov 11, 2008 4:39 pm
A true Irish Ghost Story
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a dark and stormy night.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John was desperate for shelter, and without thinking got into the car and closed the door, only to realise there was no-one driving and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked ahead and saw a curve approaching. He began to pray. Then just before the car hit the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly after John saw the lights of a pub down the road, so he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Breathless and soaking wet he rushed inside and started telling everyone about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everyone realised he was crying - and not drunk.
Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were soaked and out of breath.
Looking around and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one said to the other 'look Paddy - there's that freakin' eejit that got in the car while we were pushing it'. Exclamation
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a dark and stormy night.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John was desperate for shelter, and without thinking got into the car and closed the door, only to realise there was no-one driving and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked ahead and saw a curve approaching. He began to pray. Then just before the car hit the curve a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly after John saw the lights of a pub down the road, so he jumped out of the car and ran to it.
Breathless and soaking wet he rushed inside and started telling everyone about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everyone realised he was crying - and not drunk.
Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were soaked and out of breath.
Looking around and seeing John sobbing at the bar, one said to the other 'look Paddy - there's that freakin' eejit that got in the car while we were pushing it'. Exclamation
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who This morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around..
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.
'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older
and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'
So I told her to fuck off.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.
'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older
and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'
So I told her to fuck off.
