The official joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
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DB10GOONER
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The official joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

I'll start so, Ted...


A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them diamonds-in-the-rough, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing £5. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the £5 she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay packet at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a construction crew building a house.


My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"


The little girl replied... "I will if those useless c*nts at B&Q ever deliver the f*cking decking."

:lol: :wink:

gus ceasar is a legend
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Post by gus ceasar is a legend »

You can almost believe that!

Very good.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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DB10GOONER
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Post by DB10GOONER »

Quote for the day:


"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her
."

So - if you give her any crap, you will receive more fucking shit than any one human being can handle. :wink:

stg
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Post by stg »

3 men in a pub
1st man-"I cant belive my fucking wife, she came home yesterday with a brand new car. Stupid cow cant even drive."

2nd man-"Thats nothing for the past week my wife has come home with a different book everyday. She cant fucking read"

3rd man-"My wife is worse than yours, she's just gone on holiday to Spain and taken 50 condoms. Stupid bitch she hasnt got a cock"

mrgnu1958
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Post by mrgnu1958 »

what does a clitoris,a birthday,an anniversary and a toilet have in common?

Men miss the fucking lot


:barscarf:

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DB10GOONER
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Post by DB10GOONER »

mrgnu1958 wrote:what does a clitoris,a birthday,an anniversary and a toilet have in common?

Men miss the fucking lot


:barscarf:
:lol: 8)

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SPUDMASHER
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Post by SPUDMASHER »

Three blokes sat in a pub chatting when they notice another guy alone at the end of the bar. Being sociable they ask the barman to ask the other guy to join them. "I will" says the barman "But I've got to warn you he is a raving gay and will turn your conversation to matters of the arse-pleasure regardless of what it is". The three blokes say it is okay as they're talking about cars and cannot see how he could steer the conversation that way. He joins them and after a couple of minutes says " I know all about cars, in fact, I can tell what car you drive if you stick the keys up my arse!"

They laugh and the first bloke says "okay, have a go at this then"
He sticks his key up the gays arse who immediately shouts "1998 Ford Mondeo". The guy is amazed. So the second one trys it too.
Instantly the gay shouts "2003 Citroen Picasso. If I'm not mistaken it's the two litre version.........in red". They cannot believe it and suspect that he must have seen their cars in the carpark.
The third guy steps up and says "My keys are in the car so I'll have to go get them". He goes outside, lifts the bonnet and removes a spark plug. Back in the bar the gay bends over ready to receive his next test. On returning the guy winks to his mates, discreetly shows them the spark plug and then rams it up the gays arse.

"Ooooh..." he says, "that's champion.."

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tomkingsbury
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Post by tomkingsbury »

3 women: 1 engaged, 1 married and 1 a mistress. they decide to treat their men by wearing black leather bras stiletto heels and a mask.
the engaged women says
'my man leapt on me and made love all nite'.
the mistress adds 'me too, we had wild uninhibited sex all night'.
the married woman sighs: 'my husband came home, took one look at me and said 'What's for tea batman'.


A zookeeper says to paddy 'the gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with her. would you consider shagging her for £500?'
paddy replies ' i will on 3 conditions; firstly, i dont kiss her, secondly i dont want my family to ever know, and thirdly; give me a couple of weeks to get the £500 quid together'.

what do you call a muslim stripper?

Yaseen Mammuff


a vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk 'i hope the porn channel is disabled?' she replies 'no sir, its regular porn, you sick bastard!'

husband and wife sitting in a pub. wife keeps staring at a drunken man cradling his pint as he sits alone. Husband says, 'D'ya know him?' wife says, 'he's my old boyfriend. im told he started drinking after we split 10 years ago and hasnt been sober since'.
'Blimey!' says the husbad, 'who'd ahve thought a fella could go on celebrating for that long'.


man goes to doctor for a cock extension. doc suggests a baby elephant's trunk stitched on for £3000. man agrees, 6 weeks later while having dinner with a new woman he feels an unusual stirring in his pants and thinks this is the night. while chatting voer dinner his cock flys out and steals an apple off the table and goes back.
'Wow' she says, 'can you do that again?'
He says, 'my cock can, but i don't think my arse can take another apple!'

Newb_Russ
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Post by Newb_Russ »

entente cordiale ........

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no feckin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .'

Newb_Russ
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Post by Newb_Russ »

After boring you with a long one :oops: a quickie to finish:

'Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

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DB10GOONER
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Post by DB10GOONER »

Newb_Russ wrote:After boring you with a long one :oops: a quickie to finish:


I say that to me wife all the time! :wink: :lol:

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SPUDMASHER
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Post by SPUDMASHER »

DB10GOONER wrote:
Newb_Russ wrote:After boring you with a long one :oops: a quickie to finish:


I say that to me wife all the time! :wink: :lol:
Does she ever comment that she'd prefer a wide one? :lol: :wink:

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DB10GOONER
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Post by DB10GOONER »

SPUDMASHER wrote:
DB10GOONER wrote:
Newb_Russ wrote:After boring you with a long one :oops: a quickie to finish:


I say that to me wife all the time! :wink: :lol:
Does she ever comment that she'd prefer a wide one? :lol: :wink:
No need big fella, she gets both... 8)

...and if I ever catch that other bastard... :wink:

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SPUDMASHER
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Post by SPUDMASHER »

Never mind DB10. There is a way you can compensate for it. Just before shagging her, cut a lemon in half and squeeze it into her lips. If they react the same way as the ones on her face would then you can slip it in quickly and it will feel as tight as a mouses earhole. :lol: :lol: :lol: :wink:

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DB10GOONER
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Post by DB10GOONER »

SPUDMASHER wrote:Never mind DB10. There is a way you can compensate for it. Just before shagging her, cut a lemon in half and squeeze it into her lips. If they react the same way as the ones on her face would then you can slip it in quickly and it will feel as tight as a mouses earhole. :lol: :lol: :lol: :wink:
er... yeah... think I'll let you try that with your missus (Native American Indian name "She who don't suck" :wink: ) first and you can let us know how you get on... :? :wink:

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