It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
George W.Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
'I don't know what to do here' says the Devil. 'You're on my list but I have no
room for you! You definitely have to stay here though, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go and you can take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George reluctantly agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In there was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over and over, gasping for air, such was his fate in hell.
'No!' George said, 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long.'
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a hammer and a
room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time, and more rocks appeared.
'No! I've got this problem with my back. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!' commented George.
The devil then opened the third door. In it was Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms and legs staked in spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best!
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 'Yeah, I could handle this!' The devil smiled and said ....
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.
So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.
She replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...
A blonde woke up one morning and wanted to chang her look so she goes out, changes her hair colour and feels so good about herself so she goes for a drive.
After a couple of hours she was stopped by a farmer so his sheep could cross the road, she gets out and says to the farmer "if i can guess how many sheep you have can i have one?" the farmer laughed and agreed so the blonde say straight away "234" the farmer shocked says "thats correct, what one do you want?" the women looks around and points to one and says "that one" the farmer replies "that one?" she says "yes"
The farmer then says "if i can guess what hair colour you are can i have it back?" the blonde laughs and agrees, so the farmer says "your blonde, now give me my fucking dog back"
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions,' he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Nobby and Willy are waiting for us.
The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'9' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt, and a flimsy cotton top.
I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip, when I turn to see her pulling a bar stool up close to me and sitting down.
She said ' Hi ', - I said ' Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked.
"Yes" I dumbly replied.
'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, as a matter of fact I have,' I corrected her.
'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Rugby Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that, and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top.
Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now,' she purred.
' OK' I replied.
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time.
We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and........ '
" Arrghhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed
She pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and, my god, was she wet !!!!
'Well tell me this, Smart Ass' She snapped, ' Have you ever felt such a c*nt?'
'I certainly have' I answered, . . . . . . 'I missed the kick.'
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts", she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself".
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"
"No", replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes", said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked, "Did you see it?"
"Yes", he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"
"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know", he said, "but the f***ing darts team hasn't"!
The first speaker, a lady from Nottingham , stood and said "During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband Trevor that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb" (the crowd cheered).
The second speaker from York , stood up and said "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband Ivan that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing, after the second day I saw nothing, but on the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well" (the crowd again cheered).
The third speaker from Newcastle, stood up and said "Afta last yee-ah's confrence aah went hyem and telt that lazy basstad of mine, Geordie, that ah was nee langa pickin up his beer cans, cookin his bait and washin his kecks and that he was ganna hafta de them hisell" (the crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes) She continued....."Afta the forst day, I nevah saw nowt, afta the second day I nevah saw nowt, but afta the thord day, I could see a little bit oota me left eye".
Taken from 'The Official MUFC Maths Work Book', which covers sums for practising Key Stage Two Maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of the Government's Maths campaign:
1. Wayne is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford and Gary is 65 yards away. If Wayne can run at 21mph and Gary can run at 16mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless whistler's face first, assuming Wayne does not stop to stamp on an opponent on his way?
2. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Man Utd are losing at home?
3. Ryan is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage, the number of internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared to the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.
4. Manchester United are one of the giants of world club football. How many more European Cup Finals have they appeared in than Steaua Bucharest? (For one extra mark; How many more than Reims?)
4a. How many more times have Manchester United won the European Cup than Nottingham Forest?
5. Phil Neville has 30 international caps. If you take away the number of appearances when he was the only adult male in England who could just about kick the ball with his left foot, how many are left?
6. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling Ruud van Nistelrooy have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note: Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)
6a. Probability. Express the statistical probability of visitors to Old Trafford being awarded a penalty. Compare this with the probability of opponents of Manchester United being awarded a penalty home or away, and then discuss if a penalty awarded to Manchester United would be awarded to their opponents in identical circumstances.
7. Mark "The Red" lives in Guildford. How much does it cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence every other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks and prawn sandwiches all round? How much could he save per week if he watched his local team instead? (Note: Round your answers down to the nearest thousand pounds).
8. Alex had a hotel room booked in Paris for the Champions League Final. How much money did he lose when cancelling his reservation?
9. Ruud is 6ft tall and very strong and fast. How much pressure need be applied to make him tumble over in the opponents penalty area? (Note: Answers must be in lbs per square inch. However, answers such as, 'However
much pressure is applied by Ferguson to referees' are accepted.)
10. Alex has won it 1 time, Bob has won it 4. Alex has one, Bob does not. What am I talking about? Explain your answer (because nobody else can).
11. Rio is a very lazy boy and often goes missing. Alex is very cross and wants to sell him. If Rio cost £29m to buy, how much do you think Alex sold him for? How many pennies did Alex lose? For an extra mark convert your
answer to dollars for explaining to Malcolm "The Leprechaun" Glazer.
12. What is the total number of chickens counted before they were hatched by Manchester United and their supporters who thought Benfica were a pushover?
A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!", she cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry . If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked
you
at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps
your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
"Darn
it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing
your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back
pocket"
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband
always
talk to you this way, ma'am?"
Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."
An Irishwoman of advanced age visited her physician to ask His help In reviving her Husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".
"Really? What happened" asked the doctor?
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate! He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?
"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed!
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."
