LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

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LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Last night I made a girl squirt for the first time!

Okay, so it was pepper spray, but still a result.

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

:coffeespit:

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Wed Jul 28, 2021 8:27 am
Last night I made a girl squirt for the first time!

Okay, so it was pepper spray, but still a result.

:? :? :?


:rubchin: :rubchin: :rubchin: :rubchin:



Ohhhh! Seeeee Sorry I thought you meant she had a Pepper Spray Up her Vadge! :-P :oops:


Ohhhh!

Very Funny! :lol:

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corkbarry1
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry1 »

There has been only Eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use:
11. What the f**k do you mean we're sinking? - Capt. E.J Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. What the f**k was that? - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
9. Where did all these f**king Indians come from? - Custer, 1877
8. Any f**king idiot could understand that. - Einstein, 1938
7. It does f**king look like her! - Picasso, 1926
6. How the f**k did you work that out? - Pythagoras, 126 BC
5 You want WHAT on the f**king ceiling? - Michelangelo, 1566
4 Scattered f**king showers, my arse! - Noah, 4314 BC
3 Aw c'mon. Who the f**k is going to find out? - Bill Clinton, 1999
2. I didn't think they'd get this f**king mad. - Saddam Hussein, 2003
1 I Must get that f**king handrail fixed. - Robert Maxwell, 1991



12, give me my f***ing transfer, Harry Kane 2021

chirpy999
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by chirpy999 »

Good one Barry , miss your Gif thread!!!

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corkbarry1
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry1 »

chirpy999 wrote:
Mon Aug 16, 2021 11:17 am
Good one Barry , miss your Gif thread!!!
After over 4 million views it was found to be offensive :roll: O this modern world :-P :D

It made much better viewing than the present Arsenal team

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

corkbarry1 wrote:
Tue Aug 17, 2021 11:25 pm
chirpy999 wrote:
Mon Aug 16, 2021 11:17 am
Good one Barry , miss your Gif thread!!!
After over 4 million views it was found to be offensive :roll: O this modern world :-P :D

It made much better viewing than the present Arsenal team
Bullshit. It was found to break the forum rules on posting porn. You repeatedly posted soft porn gifs of women fondling themselves and each other, men fondling women, and one of a woman tied up in a bondage scene ffs. I repeatedly asked you to stop posting porn and you kept doing it. I gave you numerous chances (out of respect for REB) and you kept doing it. That's why the thread was deleted.

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augie
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by augie »

DB10GOONER wrote:
Wed Aug 18, 2021 7:09 am
corkbarry1 wrote:
Tue Aug 17, 2021 11:25 pm
chirpy999 wrote:
Mon Aug 16, 2021 11:17 am
Good one Barry , miss your Gif thread!!!
After over 4 million views it was found to be offensive :roll: O this modern world :-P :D

It made much better viewing than the present Arsenal team
Bullshit. It was found to break the forum rules on posting porn. You repeatedly posted soft porn gifs of women fondling themselves and each other, men fondling women, and one of a woman tied up in a bondage scene ffs. I repeatedly asked you to stop posting porn and you kept doing it. I gave you numerous chances (out of respect for REB) and you kept doing it. That's why the thread was deleted.



What :shock: :shock: I didnt know that - any chance it can be forwarded on to me ?? :lol: :lol: I knew not going onto cannonballs section more would bite me in the arse someday :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:

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corkbarry1
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry1 »

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

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corkbarry1
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry1 »

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.
Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells...
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live. Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, so they make love. About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... you don't."

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it means that you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. ' Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
'You must be new, 'says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it means that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £250 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month but I fart 15 times a day.

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corkbarry1
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry1 »

A Demon approaches the Devil and says.”Dark lord, Two men from Glasgow have been sent here. What should be done with them?”The Devil says. “Glaswegians? Their kind and are normally very friendly, helpful and honest, so we do not see many such men in my dark domain. Hang them in a cage over the lake of fire for now and I shall check on them later.”

But when the Devil flew up to the cage to check on the Scotsmen, he found them happily lounging around with their shirts off.”What is the meaning of this?” The Devil cried. “You’re supposed to be in torment!”The Glaswegians looked surprised. “Naw.” They said. “It’s pure quality taps aff weather here man. It’s no drab an’ dreech like Scotland, you know that way?”

Fuming, the Devil flew to the great thermostat of Hell and cranked it all the way to the top. And the next day, the temperature was so high that even the Demons were sweating, the stones of hell were melting and the flames from the lake of fire were leaping higher than ever before.So the Devil was surprised when he visited the Scotsmen and found that they had somehow procured plastic lawn furniture and a couple of bottles of Buckfast tonic wine.Raising a glass to the Devil, one of the Scotsmen said. “Hey big man, If I’d known it was so lovely an warm doon here, I’d’ve done a whole lot more sinning! Weather’s always miserable in the Gorbals. Always freezin’ ma nuts off, ye know?”

I see.” The Devil replied, smiling though clenched teeth. “Your dismal country has given you a great love of heat. The hotter it is, the happier you are. Well, we’ll see about that.”So he flew to the great thermostat of Hell once more, but this time, he turned it all the way down.

The next day, the lake of fire was frozen solid for the first time, sinners were frozen in blocks of ice and Demons huddled in corners for warmth, their teeth chattering.But when the Devil visited the Scotsmen, he found them jumping for joy, tearfully cheering. “Scotland! SCOTLAND!!!”The Devil’s jaw dropped. “What? Why? How? I burn you and you are happy! I freeze you and you celebrate! What is wrong with you?”One of Glaswegians turned back and said……”Is it no Feckin’ obvious Big Man? Hell’s frozen over this means Scotland’s won the World Cup!

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

Sorry I don't have any Jokes good enough for this fine thread, But

I watched this on YT and it IS "Funny"

George Carlin the American comedian.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tp0UNcjzl8

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

A man walks into a bar. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall, and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink.
The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?"
The guy says "There's a genie outside granting wishes, I bet he's still there if you hurry."
The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus. The bartender says "You didn't tell me the genie was deaf, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
The guy says
Do you really think I asked for an eleven inch pianist?"

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

Postman wrote:
Wed Sep 22, 2021 7:33 am
A man walks into a bar. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall, and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink.
The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?"
The guy says "There's a genie outside granting wishes, I bet he's still there if you hurry."
The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus. The bartender says "You didn't tell me the genie was deaf, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
The guy says
Do you really think I asked for an eleven inch pianist?"
Not the first time Lefty has been called a "pianist"! :lol: :wink:

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

DB10GOONER wrote:
Wed Sep 22, 2021 9:07 am
Postman wrote:
Wed Sep 22, 2021 7:33 am
A man walks into a bar. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall, and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink.
The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?"
The guy says "There's a genie outside granting wishes, I bet he's still there if you hurry."
The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus. The bartender says "You didn't tell me the genie was deaf, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
The guy says
Do you really think I asked for an eleven inch pianist?"
Not the first time Lefty has been called a "pianist"! :lol: :wink:
:popcorn:

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