LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
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Rugby Gooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Rugby Gooner »

An attractive blonde woman arrives at the vets with her large German Shepherd, and finds herself sitting next to a chap with a Jack Russell.
After exchanging pleasantries she asks, "Why have you bought your dog in today?"
He replies, "I have a young grandchild, and while she was playing with him yesterday he snarled and snapped at her, so I have decided in the interests of safety to have him put down."
He then asks the woman why she has bought her dog to the vets.
"Oh, ' she says," This morning, after my shower, I was bent over my bed arranging my clothes when jumped on me from behind and mounted me quite forcefully. "
" I assume that you are having him put down as well then? ", the chap replied.
" Oh no! " the woman responded, "I am just going to get his claws clipped. '

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

Rugby Gooner wrote:
Sun Oct 18, 2020 4:52 pm
An attractive blonde woman arrives at the vets with her large German Shepherd, and finds herself sitting next to a chap with a Jack Russell.
After exchanging pleasantries she asks, "Why have you bought your dog in today?"
He replies, "I have a young grandchild, and while she was playing with him yesterday he snarled and snapped at her, so I have decided in the interests of safety to have him put down."
He then asks the woman why she has bought her dog to the vets.
"Oh, ' she says," This morning, after my shower, I was bent over my bed arranging my clothes when jumped on me from behind and mounted me quite forcefully. "
" I assume that you are having him put down as well then? ", the chap replied.
" Oh no! " the woman responded, "I am just going to get his claws clipped. '
:lol: :lol:

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I discovered that answering the door naked deters trick or treaters.

Oh here we go again, here's two dressed as policemen...

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Tue Oct 27, 2020 3:50 pm
I discovered that answering the door naked deters trick or treaters.

Oh here we go again, here's two dressed as policemen...
:coffeespit:

I must be getting old - I laughed out loud at that one! :lol:

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

DB10GOONER wrote:
Wed Oct 28, 2020 9:34 am
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Tue Oct 27, 2020 3:50 pm
I discovered that answering the door naked deters trick or treaters.

Oh here we go again, here's two dressed as policemen...
:coffeespit:

I must be getting old - I laughed out loud at that one! :lol:
:lol:

Same as brother, same as :lol:

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StuartL
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by StuartL »

DB10GOONER wrote:
Wed Oct 28, 2020 9:34 am
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Tue Oct 27, 2020 3:50 pm
I discovered that answering the door naked deters trick or treaters.

Oh here we go again, here's two dressed as policemen...
:coffeespit:

I must be getting old - I laughed out loud at that one! :lol:
Did you fart when you laughed ? That’s when you know your getting old, my friend :oops:

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corkbarry
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry »

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian!"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow."



One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "This morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Oh, bloody hell," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."



I have just secured a role in a porn
Movie...I'm the husband who has just gone to work



Man walks into a chiropodist and lays his dick on the table chiropodist says thats not a foot.
No but its a good 8 or 9 inches anyway


Same fella went into a watchmakers. He took his dick out and asked women behind counter to put two hands on it


He went into a hotel in Jerusalem one Easter, put three nails on the counter and said " Can you put me up for the night?"



He went into a bar and ordered a large brandy and as soon as the barman put it in front of him he immediately began drinking it and commented "I really shouldn't be drinking this with what I have," to which the barman replied, "Why, what do you have?"


"50 pence."

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

StuartL wrote:
Wed Oct 28, 2020 10:22 pm
DB10GOONER wrote:
Wed Oct 28, 2020 9:34 am
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Tue Oct 27, 2020 3:50 pm
I discovered that answering the door naked deters trick or treaters.

Oh here we go again, here's two dressed as policemen...
:coffeespit:

I must be getting old - I laughed out loud at that one! :lol:
Did you fart when you laughed ? That’s when you know your getting old, my friend :oops:
No I did not! How very dare you sir!

Now if you'd asked about a shart..... :lol:

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have Sex three times a Night..?!?!?
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued..??
After the show, Cilla says,
"Sean darlin , if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer'...???
"Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra, lorra fun'.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to Bed and had an hour of mad passionate Sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good",
"Let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my Balls in your left hand and ma Willie in your right hand'..??
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better Sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful'.
But if you let me shleep for a Full Hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have too"..
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer Bat 'n Balls again. No problem Hun'. says Cilla.
So, Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks,
'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer Balls in one hand and yer Willie in de other' does it really stimulate yer that much"..???
Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,
*
"It's joosth the last time I shlept with a Scouser, the bitch Stole ma Wallet"..

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

:coffeespit: :coffeespit: :coffeespit:



:high5:

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

Postman wrote:
Mon Nov 02, 2020 5:52 pm
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have Sex three times a Night..?!?!?
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued..??
After the show, Cilla says,
"Sean darlin , if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer'...???
"Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra, lorra fun'.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to Bed and had an hour of mad passionate Sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good",
"Let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I'm shleeping, hold my Balls in your left hand and ma Willie in your right hand'..??
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better Sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful'.
But if you let me shleep for a Full Hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have too"..
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer Bat 'n Balls again. No problem Hun'. says Cilla.
So, Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks,
'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer Balls in one hand and yer Willie in de other' does it really stimulate yer that much"..???
Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,
*
"It's joosth the last time I shlept with a Scouser, the bitch Stole ma Wallet"..
:coffeespit: :lol: :lol:

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.
Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'
Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'
After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!'
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'
So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'
Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'
Silence hangs over the stadium.
Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,
'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

StuartL wrote:
Wed Oct 28, 2020 10:22 pm
DB10GOONER wrote:
Wed Oct 28, 2020 9:34 am
LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Tue Oct 27, 2020 3:50 pm
I discovered that answering the door naked deters trick or treaters.

Oh here we go again, here's two dressed as policemen...
:coffeespit:

I must be getting old - I laughed out loud at that one! :lol:
Did you fart when you laughed ? That’s when you know your getting old, my friend :oops:

Either that or little trickle escapes. :D

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Nine medical tests you can do yourself.

Wander into the back garden and piss on your neighbour’s fence (again).

If it dries quickly, you have high sodium (salt) levels and pending heart problems.

If it attracts ants your sugar level is too high and you might be diabetic.

If your piss is dark and of limited quantity, you are dehydrated.

If your stream didn’t reach the fence, you have a prostrate problem.

If it is bright pink you have kidney problems.

If you forgot to get your knob out and you pissed your pants, you have Alzheimer’s.

If you missed the fence you have Parkinson’s.

If your stream smells meaty, your cholesterol level is far too high.

If you can’t smell your urine, you have Coronavirus.

Have a good day.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A lot of people think that crop circles are caused by aliens spacecraft, but I think they are done by cereal killers.

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