LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8750
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

My daughter's Violin Tutor asked to see me.

He said she was getting a reputation in the group.

I thought she must be ultra talented to stand out, until I was told her nickname.

Straddled various.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8750
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Just went to the pub but I couldn't get drunk.

I think they're watering down the hand sanitiser.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8750
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I like Freudian slips as much as the next gay.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8750
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

You won't see me panic buying toilet rolls like a fucking idiot. I've still got hundreds from last time.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8750
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Mayor of Liverpool says his brother has died of Coronavirus.

Council representatives and community leaders in emergency meeting to decide who to blame.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8750
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over.

He said, "These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty pound notes."

"What did they look like?" I asked.

He said, "Fifty pound notes."

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8750
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I put a log on the fire yesterday.

My wife thought it was disgusting and I burnt my arse...

User avatar
OneBardGooner
Posts: 29707
Joined: Sat Apr 04, 2009 9:41 am
Location: Dark Side Of The Mood

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8750
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . .

"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub"

"Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger then the spoon or the teacup"

"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8750
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I've heard from a reliable source that there is more bacteria on my kitchen work surfaces than there is on my toilet seat.

Note to self: Stop shitting in the sink.

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8750
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I asked the librarian for a book on constipation.

She said, "It comes out in a week or two."

LeftfootlegendGooner
Posts: 8750
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I spent 20 minutes banging and slamming around the house and eventually screamed at the kids

"Where's that bastard thing that peels the vegetables?"

Apparently she went back to her mother's a few days ago.

User avatar
Midz
Posts: 2878
Joined: Sun Aug 04, 2013 6:36 pm
Location: Gabba Gabba Hey!!

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Thu Nov 12, 2020 6:42 pm
I spent 20 minutes banging and slamming around the house and eventually screamed at the kids

"Where's that bastard thing that peels the vegetables?"

Apparently she went back to her mother's a few days ago.
This one keeps making me chuckle. :D

User avatar
Postman
Posts: 332
Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:21 am
Location: N5

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..
When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
"We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She Pleaded.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his
standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque.
"But Madam, this check is for only £50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!!

User avatar
Postman
Posts: 332
Joined: Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:21 am
Location: N5

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

While riding my Harley, I swerved to to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for..."I'm okay I think, " I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered,
"but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated,
"I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now ." Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while.
She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch, I guess!"

Post Reply