LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
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Midz
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

:D :D :D

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

An ex marine decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home he stops at a news agents and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales person, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am ?" "About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the ex marine says, feeling really happy.
He then goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the same question. The reply is, " you look about 29". "I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop he asks an old man the same question. The old man replies, "I’m an 85 year old retired priest and my eyesight is going but there is a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and stroke you I will be able to tell you your exact age."
The ex marine agrees without thinking and lets the old preist slip his hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old priest says, "Okay, I'm done. You are 47."
Stunned, the ex marine says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old priest replies, "I was standing behind you at McDonalds."

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

Postman wrote:
Thu Nov 26, 2020 12:12 am
While riding my Harley, I swerved to to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for..."I'm okay I think, " I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered,
"but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated,
"I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now ." Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while.
She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch, I guess!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her 3 male Stammer’s Action Group.
She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.
Finally, totally exasperated, she said: "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."


The Englishman immediately piped up: "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"


The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out: "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".
“That's no better either, Hamish.


Now, how about you, Paddy?”
The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5, clenched both fists at his sides and eventually blurted out:. . . . . “London ".


“Absolutely Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally hot and steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said


..."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

There was an earthquake in Dublin yesterday and a nine story hotel collapsed to the ground.Firefighters,public,police rushed to the scene and started going through all the rubble.Anybody there called a policeman,no answer,they carried on,after 4 hours someone shouted "Stop Shush", the area fell silent,then they heard a voice "Help me,please help me,a copper shouted,HELLO where are you,nothing was heard,the copper shouted again but this time louder,HELLO,WHERE ARE YOU,and a little Irish voice said,...........................Room 242.

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Midz
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

:D :D

Both good.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Maradona has punched the bucket

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Apparently if your wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...." "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

So here is how to work out the governments tier planning.

Tier 1 Beer

Tier 2 Beer with chips.

Tier 3 No beer.

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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Asking every club to retire the number 10 shirt in a tribute to maradonna........ Would it not be more fitting to ask the groundsman to remove all the white lines instead??

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Midz
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Fri Dec 04, 2020 11:55 am
Apparently if your wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...." "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
:D

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Fri Dec 04, 2020 11:58 am
Asking every club to retire the number 10 shirt in a tribute to maradonna........ Would it not be more fitting to ask the groundsman to remove all the white lines instead??
:lol: :lol: :lol:
:high5:

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

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Midz
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

This made us laugh so much I thought it was worth sharing.....

My wife was in the bathroom and I was listening to a compilation.
She comes out and asks what the track was I was listening to.
The track playing was Peter Schilling - Major Tom (Coming Home).

Wife: Who's this playing?
Me: Peter Schilling
Wife: Wasn't he a goalkeeper for us?
Me: No (puzzled frown)
Wife: Didn't we have a goalie called Peter Schilling?
Me: No, this guy has never played in goal for any team.
Wife: Yeah we did. We had a GK with that name.
Me: No we didn't. You're thinking of Peter Stilton.
Wife: Was that his name, Stilton like the cheese?
..a quick look on Google...
Me: Ah no, Peter Shilton.

:D :D

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Understand paranoid people better by following them around.

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