LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I’ve just seen Chris Rea doing a u-turn on the M25.

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Meghan Markle saw Prince Charles as a ‘second father’. Funnily enough, so did Prince Harry.

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corkbarry
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry »

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When served he asks the bartender
“where is everybody?”

“They’ve gone to the hanging”

“Hanging? Who are they hanging?”

“Brown Paper Pete,”

“What kinda name is that ?”

“Well, he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes.”

“What are they hanging him for?”








“Rustling”


Is it OK to dip bread in to curry? I am asking for my Naan.

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Sun Dec 27, 2020 12:45 am
Understand paranoid people better by following them around.

:lol: :lol: :lol:



:shock:

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I asked my wife, "What's your opinion on the state of English football?"

"Its fucking shit," she replied, "absolute crap."

"More than likely," I said, "but let's hear it anyway."

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I went up to the missus this morning and said "I have a big problem"

She replied "Now look, you don't have a problem, we have a problem, remember our wedding day? for better for worse, for richer for poorer and all that, now what's this so called big problem"?

I said "We've got your sister pregnant"

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I've bought the wife a pair of crotchless knickers for Halloween.

There's nothing sexual in it, it's just that she'll get a better grip on her broomstick

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I convinced the wife to work for MI5.

So she wouldn't be allowed to tell me about her day.

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

Postman wrote:
Wed Jan 13, 2021 4:35 pm
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'

:coffeespit: :lol: :lol:

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Postman
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Postman »

An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no "after life" at all.
After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear
me?
"Is that you, Frank?
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed.
"That's wonderful! What's it like?
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the
warm sun andthen have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper,it's back to the golf course again. Then
it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.
"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

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corkbarry
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry »

A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm.

A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.'

'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the Collie.



"You herd me" replied the sheep

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corkbarry
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry »

Young husband and wife are struggling to pay their mortgage. Husband gives out saying that he's the bread-winner and it's time his missus earned some cash. She protested that she was a home-maker and as such didn't have the skillset for earning in a regular job.
"Fine" says he "you can go on the game - I don't care what you do but you better bring back some cash by the end of the night".

Yer wan goes out pissed off but in no doubt with her husbands humour she better return with cash.

Late that night she returns home to the husband and hands over £150.50

"One hundred and fifty pound? Not bad at all. But who was the miserable sod who gave you 50 pence?" he asked.





"They all did" came the reply.

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