LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
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corkbarry
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Location: Cork

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry »

Postman wrote:
Mon Jan 25, 2021 5:15 pm
Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now *very* troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No," replies the doctor, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."
Well it is January 25th ....

ADMIN WTF! What is the point of jokes in a f**king foreign language!

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corkbarry
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Joined: Thu Jul 19, 2007 2:59 pm
Location: Cork

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry »

A zoo got a new gorilla but she was very hard to handle as she was in heat but there were no male gorillas around. So they asked a big Spurs fan who worked there will you ride her for €500? He said he’d think about it.

He came to work the next day and said I will do it, but with 3 conditions.

1. No kissing.
2. No one can ever know.
The manager was excited and asked his 3rd condition.
3. I’ll need a couple of days to get the €500 together.

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Midz
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Location: Gabba Gabba Hey!!

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

:D :D

gazzatt2
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Location: Essex

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by gazzatt2 »

Come on lefty need some jokes to cheer me up

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DB10GOONER
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Location: Dublin, Ireland.
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

corkbarry wrote:
Mon Jan 25, 2021 7:02 pm
Postman wrote:
Mon Jan 25, 2021 5:15 pm
Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
Now *very* troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No," replies the doctor, "this is the Serious Burns Unit."
Well it is January 25th ....

ADMIN WTF! What is the point of jokes in a f**king foreign language!
:lol:

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DB10GOONER
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Location: Dublin, Ireland.
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Sun Dec 27, 2020 12:58 am
Meghan Markle saw Prince Charles as a ‘second father’. Funnily enough, so did Prince Harry.
:lol: :lol:

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

LeftfootlegendGooner wrote:
Tue Jan 12, 2021 11:53 pm
I asked my wife, "What's your opinion on the state of English football?"

"Its fucking shit," she replied, "absolute crap."

"More than likely," I said, "but let's hear it anyway."
:coffeespit:

Soooooo relevant now too. :wink:

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mcdowell42
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by mcdowell42 »

I start a new job in Seoul next week.

I thought it was a good Korea move

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 1:07 pm

Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A man was leaving a café when he noticed an unusual funeral

A funeral coffin was followed by a second one

Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in a single line

The man couldn't stand his curiosity, he approached the man walking with his dog

"I am sorry to disturb you but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in a single line, whose funeral is it?" he asked

The man replied "That first coffin is for my wife"

"what happened to her?" he asked

"My dog attacked and killed her"

"Well, who is in the second coffin" he asked

"My mother in law, she was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also"

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men

Then the man asks in excitement "can I borrow your dog"

The man replied "join the queue"

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

When the pubs re open there's always that one tight bastard that will remember who bought the last round

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

A teacher asks her class "can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hoods girlfriend?"

Little Paddy raises his hand and says "yes Miss, its Trudy Glen"

"No Paddy, the answer is Maid Marion"

"But Miss, what about the song?"

"Robin Hood Robin Hood riding Trudy Glen"

Sorry DB :oops:

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

I dream of the day when I will walk down the aisle and hear those magical words

"This is your pilot speaking"

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

gazzatt2 wrote:
Tue Feb 16, 2021 5:45 am
Come on lefty need some jokes to cheer me up
Sorry Gazza only just seen this, don't know if they will cheer you up though :lol:

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

Wayne was teeing off from the mens tee.

On his downswing he realised that his wife was teeing off from the ladies tee directly in front of him, unable to stop his swing he nailed it and hit her directly in the head, killing her instantly

A few days later Wayne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy

Coroner "Wayne your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head"

"You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the head"

Wayne "Yes that's correct"

Coroner, well inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her arse"

Wayne "Was it a Titleist 3 ?"

Coroner "Yes it was"

Wayne "That would be my provisional"

LeftfootlegendGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by LeftfootlegendGooner »

The wife suggested if I was bored during lockdown, to make a bird table.

Now she's kicking off because I've only put her in fifth place..

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