LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[Postman]

Lipstick in School.....
According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie Princesses)
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers …
and then there are educators.

[corkbarry1]

Two Mafia hitmen walking through the forest late at night.
One of them says" I have to admit this place is so scary it gives me the shivers"
The other one says " You think it's scary now with two of us"
"I have to walk back on my own"

[Postman]

Englishman: "That your Dog"..??
Welshman: "Aye".
Englishman: "Mind if I Speak to him"..??
Welshman: "Dog don't Talk.”
Englishman: Hey Dog, how's it going"..??
Dog: "Doing All Right, Thanks".
Welshman: (Look of Shock).
Englishman: Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing at the Welshman).
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's He Treating You"..??
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of Total Disbelief).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Horse"..??
Welshman: "Horse Don't Talk”.
Englishman: "Hey Horse how's it Going"..??
Horse: "Cool, Thanks".
Welshman: (Extreme Look of Shock).
Englishman: "Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing to the Welshman).
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's He Treating You"..??
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he Rides me, Brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice Stable to protect me from the Weather."
Welshman: (Now a Look of Total Amazement).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Sheep"..??
*
Welshman: "That Sheep's a bloody Liar”..

[DB10GOONER]

Englishman: "That your Dog"..??
Welshman: "Aye".
Englishman: "Mind if I Speak to him"..??
Welshman: "Dog don't Talk.”
Englishman: Hey Dog, how's it going"..??
Dog: "Doing All Right, Thanks".
Welshman: (Look of Shock).
Englishman: Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing at the Welshman).
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's He Treating You"..??
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of Total Disbelief).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Horse"..??
Welshman: "Horse Don't Talk”.
Englishman: "Hey Horse how's it Going"..??
Horse: "Cool, Thanks".
Welshman: (Extreme Look of Shock).
Englishman: "Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing to the Welshman).
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's He Treating You"..??
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he Rides me, Brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice Stable to protect me from the Weather."
Welshman: (Now a Look of Total Amazement).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Sheep"..??
*
Welshman: "That Sheep's a bloody Liar”..

The good people at Scrabble would be all over this!

[OneBardGooner]

Two Mafia hitmen walking through the forest late at night.
One of them says" I have to admit this place is so scary it gives me the shivers"
The other one says " You think it's scary now with two of us"
"I have to walk back on my own"

Same as: A Paedo and a young boy are walking through th forest the light is beginning togaed as night comes on


The young boy says "This is really scary"

The aped says


"Huh! You're scared I've got to walk back on my own"

[mcdowell42]

Gutted! My wife just left me because I never put the toilet seat down.

To be fair, I'm not even sure why I started carrying it.

[Midz]

Englishman: "That your Dog"..??
Welshman: "Aye".
Englishman: "Mind if I Speak to him"..??
Welshman: "Dog don't Talk.”
Englishman: Hey Dog, how's it going"..??
Dog: "Doing All Right, Thanks".
Welshman: (Look of Shock).
Englishman: Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing at the Welshman).
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's He Treating You"..??
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of Total Disbelief).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Horse"..??
Welshman: "Horse Don't Talk”.
Englishman: "Hey Horse how's it Going"..??
Horse: "Cool, Thanks".
Welshman: (Extreme Look of Shock).
Englishman: "Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing to the Welshman).
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's He Treating You"..??
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he Rides me, Brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice Stable to protect me from the Weather."
Welshman: (Now a Look of Total Amazement).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Sheep"..??
*
Welshman: "That Sheep's a bloody Liar”..

[Postman]

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara Desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning:
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
"Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim."
"I know Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."
"I agree." Says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"
"Anything, Father."
"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."
"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."
The nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he Fondled them for several minutes.
"Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister?"
"I have never seen a man's appendage. Could I see yours?"
"I suppose that would be OK." The Priest replied lifting his robe.
"Oh Father, may I touch it?"
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
"Sister, did you know, that if I insert my appendage in the right place, it can give life?"
"Is that true Father?"
"Yes, it is, Sister."
"Oh Father, that's wonderful. Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"

[Midz]

A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him: "You need to stop masturbating."
"Why?" the man asks.
The doctor replies: "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

[DB10GOONER]

A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him: "You need to stop masturbating."
"Why?" the man asks.
The doctor replies: "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

By "a man" you obviously mean rodders.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency

[OneBardGooner]

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency

I saw that coming


That joke is quite a cut above the rest


Yup! You definitely nailed it there!


Plain to see why you have your own joke thread mate!
(Yes, I know it's spelt 'plane' but I'm on a roll here!)


Mitre been better telling another one!


Okay, okay I can't help it joist a moment


Anyway mate how are you coping ?



Well it's the same old drill


I'm just trying to keep the spirits on here level

[DB10GOONER]

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency

I saw that coming


That joke is quite a cut above the rest


Yup! You definitely nailed it there!


Plain to see why you have your own joke thread mate!
(Yes, I know it's spelt 'plane' but I'm on a roll here!)


Mitre been better telling another one!


Okay, okay I can't help it joist a moment


Anyway mate how are you coping ?



Well it's the same old drill


I'm just trying to keep the spirits on here level

Um.... erm.... um.... hang on, hang on, I got one.... erm.... um.... um, nuts?

[Midz]

The pair of you are mad as a box of spanners!

[OneBardGooner]

The pair of you are mad as a box of spanners!

What!!???

Are you implying we're Nuts????