LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[Postman]

Lipstick in School.....
According to a news report, a certain private school in Newcastle upon Tyne was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would
press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the Headmistress decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little Geordie Princesses)
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers …
and then there are educators.

[corkbarry1]

Two Mafia hitmen walking through the forest late at night.
One of them says" I have to admit this place is so scary it gives me the shivers"
The other one says " You think it's scary now with two of us"
"I have to walk back on my own"

[Postman]

Englishman: "That your Dog"..??
Welshman: "Aye".
Englishman: "Mind if I Speak to him"..??
Welshman: "Dog don't Talk.”
Englishman: Hey Dog, how's it going"..??
Dog: "Doing All Right, Thanks".
Welshman: (Look of Shock).
Englishman: Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing at the Welshman).
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's He Treating You"..??
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of Total Disbelief).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Horse"..??
Welshman: "Horse Don't Talk”.
Englishman: "Hey Horse how's it Going"..??
Horse: "Cool, Thanks".
Welshman: (Extreme Look of Shock).
Englishman: "Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing to the Welshman).
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's He Treating You"..??
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he Rides me, Brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice Stable to protect me from the Weather."
Welshman: (Now a Look of Total Amazement).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Sheep"..??
*
Welshman: "That Sheep's a bloody Liar”..

[DB10GOONER]

Englishman: "That your Dog"..??
Welshman: "Aye".
Englishman: "Mind if I Speak to him"..??
Welshman: "Dog don't Talk.”
Englishman: Hey Dog, how's it going"..??
Dog: "Doing All Right, Thanks".
Welshman: (Look of Shock).
Englishman: Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing at the Welshman).
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's He Treating You"..??
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman: (Look of Total Disbelief).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Horse"..??
Welshman: "Horse Don't Talk”.
Englishman: "Hey Horse how's it Going"..??
Horse: "Cool, Thanks".
Welshman: (Extreme Look of Shock).
Englishman: "Is this your Owner"..?? (Pointing to the Welshman).
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's He Treating You"..??
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he Rides me, Brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice Stable to protect me from the Weather."
Welshman: (Now a Look of Total Amazement).
Englishman: "Mind if I Talk to your Sheep"..??
*
Welshman: "That Sheep's a bloody Liar”..

The good people at Scrabble would be all over this!

[OneBardGooner]

Two Mafia hitmen walking through the forest late at night.
One of them says" I have to admit this place is so scary it gives me the shivers"
The other one says " You think it's scary now with two of us"
"I have to walk back on my own"

Same as: A Paedo and a young boy are walking through th forest the light is beginning togaed as night comes on


The young boy says "This is really scary"

The aped says


"Huh! You're scared I've got to walk back on my own"