The Gooner Forum

Postman wrote: ↑

Sun Jun 13, 2021 9:49 am

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued:
After the show, Lulu said. "Sean, if Ah’m no bein too forward, Ah’d lovetae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let’s go back tae mah place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says. "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we canhave even better shex. But while I’m shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wulliein your right hand."
Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says. "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens and they have even better sex.
Then Sean says. "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.
Once it’s all over and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks. "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye’re sleepin?"
Sean replies. "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."

I think you'll find this joke is already on this thread, except the punch line is a Scouser not a Glaswegian.

OneBardGooner wrote: ↑

Sun Jun 13, 2021 4:17 pm

Postman wrote: ↑

Sun Jun 13, 2021 9:49 am

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued:
After the show, Lulu said. "Sean, if Ah’m no bein too forward, Ah’d lovetae hae sex wi an aulder man. Let’s go back tae mah place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says. "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we canhave even better shex. But while I’m shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wulliein your right hand."
Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says. "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens and they have even better sex.
Then Sean says. "Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand."
Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.
Once it’s all over and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks. "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye’re sleepin?"
Sean replies. "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."

I think you'll find this joke is already on this thread, except the punch line is a Scouser not a Glaswegian.

Uh oh the joke police are in.

Jest a moment young (ish) man

It's a good joke but for me a scouser makes it more probable.

I'm sure you'll agree.


All the Glaswegians I've ever known either wanted to punch you or buy you a pint





Or both


Whereas a scouser will ALWAYS want to rob you...

A man was in a long queue at his local supermarket. As he got to the register he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register:
She asked. "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom. "One box of large condoms, Till 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting and like most of us was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the register, he told the cashier that he too had forgotten to get condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom microphone and said. "One box of medium sized condoms, Till 5."
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a woman, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the checkout he told the girl he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know.
She asked him to drop his trousers, she reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the Intercom and said…....
"Mop and bucket, till 5."

Margaret Thatcher is Still Dead!

A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to toe.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident, and the paramedics couldn’t find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on…”You do have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great, but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1,000 an inch. The man perks up. So, the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want,
however understand that you have been married for over thirty years, and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.”
The doctor comes back the next day, “So, have you spoken with your wife?” “Yes I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you make a decision?” asks the doctor.













“We’re getting a new kitchen.”

A man walks into a bar.

























Ouch! He said that Fuckkin hurt!

OneBardGooner wrote: ↑

Sat Jul 24, 2021 5:00 am

A man walks into a bar.

























Ouch! He said that Fuckkin hurt!

Was it an iron bar ?

Bottle - glass - glass - bottle

No mate apparently it was made of Steel.

I walked into the pub with my missus and the barman said, "Punching above your weight aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?"

"Thailand. We're getting married." I replied.

"You don't want to get married. That's when the blowjobs stop", he said.

"I don't mind that, I hate giving her them anyway!" I replied.

At a wedding in Tottenham i whispered to the guy next to me
"Christ the Bride is as ugly as f**k"

"Do you mind that's my Daughter you are talking about"

"Sorry i didn't realise you were her Father"

" I'm not, i'm her Mother"

What's the difference between Ryan Giggs and a Tesla?

The Tesla gets fewer battery charges in a year.

Jose Mourinho gets Roma job.

His last 6 clubs were:

C helsea
I nter
R eal
C helsea
U nited
S purs

I went to visit my wife in hospital and took her flowers.

My girlfriend will love them.

Don't bother with those Ancestry DNA kits just announce that you've won the lottery, you'll soon find out who you're fucking related to