LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

It's all a load of Cannonballs in here! This is the virtual Arsenal pub where you can chat about anything except football. Be warned though, like any pub, the content may not always be suitable for everyone.
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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

Midz wrote:
Sat Nov 20, 2021 3:32 pm
OneBardGooner wrote:
Tue Oct 19, 2021 5:16 pm
What do you call a Boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick. :D :D
:high5:


LOST! :lol: :lol:

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corkbarry1
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by corkbarry1 »

Not that long ago in a local Macdonald's an old man placed an order for one hamburger, chips, and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the chips, divided them into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip, and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his chips a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything... People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered 'the teeth'.

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StuartL
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by StuartL »

Went away to Norfolk coast for 3 nights end of last week and we were walking along the high street, looking for somewhere to eat in the evening when we walked past a really fancy, posh restaurant, as we walked past I took a quick glimpse of the prices and swiftly moved on..
My girlfriend whispered “ that food smelt so good, I can only imagine what it would taste like”
So I thought “sod it, I’ll treat her”,

so we walked past again.
Last edited by StuartL on Tue Dec 07, 2021 5:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

chirpy999
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by chirpy999 »

2 decent jokes there Barry and Stuart :D

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StuartL
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by StuartL »

chirpy999 wrote:
Mon Dec 06, 2021 10:08 pm
2 decent jokes there Barry and Stuart :D
Barry may well have been joking, mine was a true story.. :lol:

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Midz
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

corkbarry1 wrote:
Mon Dec 06, 2021 11:24 am
Not that long ago in a local Macdonald's an old man placed an order for one hamburger, chips, and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the chips, divided them into two piles, and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip, and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his chips a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything... People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered 'the teeth'.
:D very good.

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Midz
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by Midz »

Image

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DB10GOONER
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by DB10GOONER »

Midz wrote:
Wed Dec 08, 2021 11:42 am
Image
:lol: :lol:

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

Midz wrote:
Wed Dec 08, 2021 11:42 am
Image

:coffeespit:


:high5:


Good one Midz

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mcdowell42
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by mcdowell42 »

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." Soon afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined...

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said,

"Meow!"

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StuartL
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by StuartL »

My girlfriend has informed me that she no longer wants foreplay before sex but she is still quite happy to do the carnal deed.

I can’t help thinking that something has fundamentally changed her way of thinking

But I can’t put my finger on it.

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

StuartL wrote:
Sat Dec 11, 2021 5:55 pm
My girlfriend has informed me that she no longer wants foreplay before sex but she is still quite happy to do the carnal deed.

I can’t help thinking that something has fundamentally changed her way of thinking

But I can’t put my finger on it.
She's just fuckinng with your head Stuart - so you'll first get confused, then worried, then buy her gifts to make her happy to make up for what you think you have done wrong, But the truth is you have done nothing wrong.


I'm here for you Bro! :high5:

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StuartL
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thre

Post by StuartL »

OneBardGooner wrote:
Sat Dec 11, 2021 9:55 pm
StuartL wrote:
Sat Dec 11, 2021 5:55 pm
My girlfriend has informed me that she NO LONGER WANTS FOREPLAY before sex but she is still quite happy to do the carnal deed.

I can’t help thinking that something has fundamentally changed her way of thinking

But I CAN’T PUT MY FINGER ON IT
She's just fuckinng with your head Stuart - so you'll first get confused, then worried, then buy her gifts to make her happy to make up for what you think you have done wrong, But the truth is you have done nothing wrong.


I'm here for you Bro! :high5:
Thanks mate, but I’m not sure that you checked what thread we were on ?

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OneBardGooner
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by OneBardGooner »

:fishing:




:tonysaunders:





:-P




:D





Ohhh! Yes I did. :wink:

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StuartL
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Re: LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

Post by StuartL »

OneBardGooner wrote:
Tue Dec 14, 2021 8:21 pm
:fishing:




:tonysaunders:





:-P




:D





Ohhh! Yes I did. :wink:


and I thought you were just a nice guy

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