LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[OneBardGooner]

Ohhh! Yes I did.

and I thought you were just a nice guy

Ooooh! Now you are turning me ON!

[corkbarry1]

An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door.
She asks him, "Granddad, why don't we give it a try?"
He says, "No girl, that is no longer possible for me."
Says the hooker, "Come on, what have you got to lose, we can give it a try!?"
They both go inside. They undress and then he acts like a young man and is giving it to her 5 times in a row.
"Oh my goodness," says the hooker, breathless, "and you said that it was no longer possible for you?!"
Says the old man, "Oh, screwing is still going well, it's the paying for it that is no longer possible."

[Midz]

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A woman goes to see her gynecologist

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina"

The doctor takes a look, chuckles and says "those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"

[DB10GOONER]

A woman goes to see her gynecologist

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina"

The doctor takes a look, chuckles and says "those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"

[OneBardGooner]

A woman goes to see her gynecologist

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina"

The doctor takes a look, chuckles and says "those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Dear Deidre,

The other day standing by my bedroom window, I saw my neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless in the garden. As I was knocking one out, I turned to notice my Wife standing there, arms crossed and staring at me......Is she a pervert?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.

A kid answered, called me a cunnt and told me to fuck off.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two.

" She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

[OneBardGooner]

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

Could you get shot - sorry re-home my neighbours chihuahua aka: The Yapping Rat whilst you're at it please?

[OneBardGooner]

I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.

A kid answered, called me a cunnt and told me to fuck off.

[Midz]

Dear Deidre,

The other day standing by my bedroom window, I saw my neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless in the garden. As I was knocking one out, I turned to notice my Wife standing there, arms crossed and staring at me......Is she a pervert?

[Postman]

A Man goes into a Bakers and asks for 2 Bread Rolls..??
The Shop Man picks them up with the Tongs and puts them in a Paper Bag,
He then asks for 2 Cakes the Shop Man picks them up with the Tongs and puts them in the Bag.
The Man says :-
"It’s nice to see you don’t Handle the Food"..
The Shop Man says :-
"Nothing in my Shop is Handled by Human Hand"..
He then noticed a Piece of String hanging out of the Shop Man's Trousers and asks :-
"What is that Piece of String for"..???
The Shop Man says :-
"When I need a Piss. I just pull on the String and it Pops Out"..
"That’s OK" Says the man.
"But how do you put it Back"..???
"That’s No Problem", says the Shop Man.
"I just Use the TONGS"..

[OneBardGooner]