LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[OneBardGooner]

I've just tried to buy a Dracula costume for Halloween & the girl in the shop tried to sell me a Tottenham shirt.

I said I think you must have misheard me..... I want to look like a count!

[Block93]

I've just tried to buy a Dracula costume for Halloween & the girl in the shop tried to sell me a Tottenham shirt.

I said I think you must have misheard me..... I want to look like a count!

That's a variation on the old line......

I've just grown a beard and someone said it made me look like a foreign count. At least that's what I think he said.

[Block93]

Some worried bloke chatting to his mate, 'I've got this strange green ring that goes right round my cock and I'm too scared to go to the doctor about it'.

Don't worry pal, I had something very similar, except mine was a red mark right round it. Went to the doc, he gave me some ointment to rub on it and it's fine now.'

So the bloke goes to the quack, who takes one look at his cock and the green ring, gets his sharpest scalpel and whips his todger right off, there and then.

'Doc, doc, what have you done? My mate said he had a red ring around his cock and you just gave him some ointment for it.....????.

'Yes, but his was lipstick, yours was gangrene!'

[Midz]

I've just got my Xmas lights out today. They remind me so much of Liverpool fans.

Hardly any of the fuckers work, and the ones that do aren't very bright.

[DB10GOONER]

I've just got my Xmas lights out today. They remind me so much of Liverpool fans.

Hardly any of the fuckers work, and the ones that do aren't very bright.

Did they also kill anyone?

Too far?

[OneBardGooner]

I've just got my Xmas lights out today. They remind me so much of Liverpool fans.

Hardly any of the fuckers work, and the ones that do aren't very bright.

[OneBardGooner]

I've just got my Xmas lights out today. They remind me so much of Liverpool fans.

Hardly any of the fuckers work, and the ones that do aren't very bright.

Did they also kill anyone?

Too far?

Nope!!!! Never!


just thought of something, that Joke would have to have been stolen from someone else to make it an authentic scouser joke!

[corkbarry1]

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every
single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.

The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with
her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells
"Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her
composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told
you I broke every bone in my body."

The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss,"
he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is,
you haven't broken every bone in your body.




The bad news is, you've broken
your finger."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Its now cheaper to get burgled than it is to leave a light on when you go on holiday

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

'...I joined a Carpenter's class the other day.

We haven't made anything yet.

We've only just begun.'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Somebody wrote, "procrastinating twat!" on the side of my house.

When I find out who did it, their fucking years are numbered.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Can I ask a stupid question?," said my wife.

"Better than anyone I've ever met," I replied.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I?ve been buying birthday cards for everyone at our local Tourette's Society.

It's the thought that cunnts.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Why are women evacuated first in a disaster?

So men can think of a solution in silence.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I had a massive cock when I was a kid.

Unfortunately it belonged to Father O'Malley.