LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Just been to a pub called the goalkeepers arms.

What a fucking dive.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"How have you been coping?" asked my therapist.

"Mostly with sarcasm," I replied.

"Do you feel it has helped you?" he said.

"Yeah, it's been fucking brilliant."..

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I think I might be getting paranoid.

Every time I look at stairs I think they're up to something.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Shark, Lobster, Crab, Scouser. Which is the odd one out?...

.....Shark, the others wear shellsuits & pinch like fuck.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The woman who lost to a male boxer at the Paris Olympics says everything's fine, she just fell down some stairs.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Are you stupid? We have all this paradise and you want me to rebel and eat the fruit of the only tree we have been instructed not to touch? I'm sorry Eve, there's nothing you can ever do that will make me go against our creators instructions. "


It was at that point that the worlds first blow job occurred.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

It's going to be foggy tonight.
It's going to be foggy tonight
It's going to be foggy tonight
It's going to be foggy tonight

You have..... 4 mist messages.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A woman on the bus asked me.
'Do you have any pets'?
I said 'A goldfish'.
She said 'any hobbies'?
I replied 'well he likes swimming!'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Someone gave Keir Starmer Viagra,
he got taller.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Upskirting is a horrendous crime.

Except in Thailand where it's just common sense.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

To all those people who said I'd never accomplish anything because I procrastinate too much...

...just you wait and see.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying
to make a fast buck..

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just visited Grimsby and them lazy fuckers fly tip in their own front gardens.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"You're so childish" screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends, this is ridiculous, this relationship is over!"

"This relationship is what? Over"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over.

He said, "These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty pound notes."

"What did they look like?" I asked.

He said, "Fifty pound notes."