LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I hear that Dentists are going on strike now.

Brace yourselves.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife came into my shed yesterday.. ''Your'e wasting your time & money on all these inventions!'' she said...
It was at this point that the Slap-a-fat-twat-automatic 3000 proved her wrong...

[Midz]

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

Sometimes she would orgasm three or four times a night.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

[DB10GOONER]

My wife accused me of achieving nothing so I told her, 'Well I won the Leslie Nielson award at school.'
'What's that?', she said.

'It's a big building with kids in it.'

I love "Police Squad!".

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex.

Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex.

Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers...

... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation for sex with his wife.

Johnny's father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously 'What ya doin dad?' His father quickly replied,

'I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.'

To which Little Johnny replied 'What ya gonna do, fuck him?'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The police knocked on my door this evening.

"Where were you around 8:05 last night sir?" asked the officer.

"Funny you should ask," I replied. "I took the wife upstairs at 8 pm to make love."

"That's true," my wife shouted over, "but fuck knows where he was at five past!!!!!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.
"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he too old for it?"

"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."

"Yeah, shut up Joe - I was talking to your mother."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Teacher tells class make a sentence using the word dough. Little jane raises her hand "In Italy they make pizza using special dough".
"Very good" says teacher. Little mary raises her hand
"My brother makes dinosaurs out of . . . play dough".
"Excellent" says teacher.
Little jake raises his hand . .
"Our mum says dad is a crap shag so she has to use a dill dough"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she screamed... "I wish u a slow and painful death u bastard!" "Oh" I replied, "so u want me to
fucking stay now!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I rang babe station the other nite, a woman answers and says hi sexy what can I do for you, I said FUCKIN HIDE !!! my wifes coming and I've lost the remote!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was cooking in the kitchen and my 5yo walked in and asked me what "love juice" was.

"well, it is what a woman makes in her....erm....fanjo to make it all wet and slippery and ready to take the mans...erm...penis.....when they have special cuddles....but where the hell have you got that word from??!!!!!"

"I was watching tennis...."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting relentlessly bummed. . .

I think my mates take monopoly far too seriously!!!!!