LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every day.
One day he told her, "You have been with me through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were there.
When we lost the house, you were there.
When my health started failing, you were there.
You know what?"
"What is it, dear?" she asked.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?"

I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch that Fukin wall!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

They say a woman's work is never done.

Maybe that's why they get paid less.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

First woman on the Moon:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind."
What's the problem?
"Nothing."
Please tell us.
"You know what the problem is."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Schizophrenia - together I can beat it.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife keeps dropping hints about a sexy gift she wants.
"It begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' .. and it fits snugly in there", she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, "Where the fuck am I gonna find a didgeridoo?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

According to scientists there's a link between noise and obesity.

Probably the dinner bell.

[OneBardGooner]

[DB10GOONER]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"

OneBard and his Ewoks will be fuming when they read that one!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"

OneBard and his Ewoks will be fuming when they read that one!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently I was only supposed to name one.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Just spent the last half hour by my wife's grave.

She still thinks it's going to be a pond!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

At my last appointment I asked my doctor if I'd be OK,
He scowled and said "I doubt it Mercury is in Uranus right now"
I told him I didn't believe in all that astrology crap
He said "Neither do I... my thermometer just snapped!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I bought the wife a hula hoop...

It fits!