Kate Price has been talking to Hello magazine about her break up
she said theat she will miss the cuddles, coming home to a family and the family holidays. At the same time Pete was talking to a lads mag and said he would miss the tit wanks and watching little black kid walking into walls
The Friday Joke Thread...
An actor can't get work cause he always forgets his lines, but eventually the opportunity comes around.
"The part only has one line" explains the director. "Walk onto the stage with this rose, hold it upto your nose with one finger & thumb and say "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The big night comes and he delivers the line ...
The audience erupt with laughter. The director cries "You've ruined me!" "Howcome? I didn't forget my line" replies the actor.
"No, you forgot the bloody rose!"
"The part only has one line" explains the director. "Walk onto the stage with this rose, hold it upto your nose with one finger & thumb and say "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The big night comes and he delivers the line ...
The audience erupt with laughter. The director cries "You've ruined me!" "Howcome? I didn't forget my line" replies the actor.
"No, you forgot the bloody rose!"
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
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SPUDMASHER
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- Contact:
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SPUDMASHER
- Posts: 10739
- Joined: Mon Feb 26, 2007 10:07 am
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Charlie! Charlie!
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Belfast Boy
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- Location: The Fourth Dimension!
A Spud is walkin along the Seven Sisters Rd. when he spots a strange lookin bottle lying in the gutter, he picks it up and gives it a rub and POOF out pops a genie, the Spud asks are you gonna give me 3 wishes??? the genie shakes his head, nah that's just folklore I'm afraid you only get 1 wish
so the Spud thinks for a minute then produces a map and sez right Mr. genie I'm originally from Israel, see all these countries in the Middle East, I want them all to get on with each other AND America and I would also like the Arabs and the Jews to forget their differences so that we can all live together in peace and harmony
the genie looks at the map and goes flippin 'eck mate those countries and their peoples have been at war for thousands of years and they're still no nearer a solution and I'm a bit out of practice after bein stuck in that bottle for 500yrs try somethin else and please, be reasonable
so the Spud thinks again and exclaims I know
- I've never seen Tottenham Hotspur win the league........ any chance???
the genie rolls his eyes
lets out a big sigh and sez.................... let's see that map again 
so the Spud thinks for a minute then produces a map and sez right Mr. genie I'm originally from Israel, see all these countries in the Middle East, I want them all to get on with each other AND America and I would also like the Arabs and the Jews to forget their differences so that we can all live together in peace and harmony
the genie looks at the map and goes flippin 'eck mate those countries and their peoples have been at war for thousands of years and they're still no nearer a solution and I'm a bit out of practice after bein stuck in that bottle for 500yrs try somethin else and please, be reasonable
so the Spud thinks again and exclaims I know
- I've never seen Tottenham Hotspur win the league........ any chance??? the genie rolls his eyes
lets out a big sigh and sez.................... let's see that map again -
CraigPollard
- Posts: 371
- Joined: Sat May 12, 2007 3:44 pm
- Location: Portsmouth
Cristiano Ronaldo wakes up one morning, and feeling a bit deflated he turns to his missus and asks "Do i look good?", she replies, "of course you do Cristiano, your gorgeous". He then asks "but do i feel good?", she says "Of course Cristiano, your muscular body is fantastic". Then he says "ok, but do i smell good?". His missus moves closer, gives a little sniff and admits that he does smell a bit off.
He leaves the house and heads to the training ground where he sees Fergie..
In his continuous attempt to boost his ego he says, "gaffer, Do i look good?", fergie replies, "of course you do Cristiano, your a top athlete". He then asks "but do i feel good?", fergie says "Of course Cristiano, you are in fantastic shape". Then he says "ok, but do i smell good?". Fergie moves closer, gives a little sniff and admits that he does smell a bit off and tells him to go visit the physio and see what he says...
He walks into the treatment room and the physio sees him looking a bit upset. When asking whats wrong, Ronaldo says "Do you think i look good?, The physio tells him that he looks fantastic with his gelled hair and perma-tan, "But do i feel good?" he asks, Cristiano, you are one of the fittest members of this team, your abs and entire physique are superb in every way. "Thanks" Cristiano follows up, but "do i smell good?" The physio moves in and gives him a little sniff before retracting away and saying, "Hmmm, your right, you do smell a bit off, let me get my book and see what could be the matter"
The physio walks to the other side of the room and starts examining book after book. After 10 mins he looks up and says "I might have found the problem". Ronaldo, looking very grateful says "what is it doc"
Physio says, "well, you look good and feel good but you smell bad - It says here that your a *word censored*"
He leaves the house and heads to the training ground where he sees Fergie..
In his continuous attempt to boost his ego he says, "gaffer, Do i look good?", fergie replies, "of course you do Cristiano, your a top athlete". He then asks "but do i feel good?", fergie says "Of course Cristiano, you are in fantastic shape". Then he says "ok, but do i smell good?". Fergie moves closer, gives a little sniff and admits that he does smell a bit off and tells him to go visit the physio and see what he says...
He walks into the treatment room and the physio sees him looking a bit upset. When asking whats wrong, Ronaldo says "Do you think i look good?, The physio tells him that he looks fantastic with his gelled hair and perma-tan, "But do i feel good?" he asks, Cristiano, you are one of the fittest members of this team, your abs and entire physique are superb in every way. "Thanks" Cristiano follows up, but "do i smell good?" The physio moves in and gives him a little sniff before retracting away and saying, "Hmmm, your right, you do smell a bit off, let me get my book and see what could be the matter"
The physio walks to the other side of the room and starts examining book after book. After 10 mins he looks up and says "I might have found the problem". Ronaldo, looking very grateful says "what is it doc"
Physio says, "well, you look good and feel good but you smell bad - It says here that your a *word censored*"
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12thGooner
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