LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

This guy told me he is the fastest cross dresser in the world.

I said, "Really?"

She said, "Yes."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was working in Subway when a Greek girl came in and said, 'Do you have any Feta cheese?'

I replied, 'I'm quite into gimp masks and fisting.'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Tesco - unexpected item in bagging area.

Yeah, a fucking horse!!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife is a mute. She communicates by embroidery.

It's her own version of sign language, sew to speak.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was at work in my sports shop today when a bloke approached the counter with a tennis racket.

"Excuse me, I like this racket and would like to buy it, but I was wondering if you could add some more tension?" he asked.

"No problem" I replied. "I'm pretty sure I shagged your wife a few years ago, and your son looks an awful lot like me."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

We were having some friends over for dinner and my wife was getting nervous.

"When it's time to eat," she said, "do I say 'Dinner is ready' or 'Dinner is served'?"

I said, "If it's anything like your usual cooking, just say 'Dinner is fucked'."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'

Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife used to punch me in the face every time she had an orgasm during sex, sometimes she would orgasm three or four times. I didn't mind so much until I found out she was faking them!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night....

I still have a bit between my teeth.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I can't wait to see Armstrong's confession, it's about time he admitted America never made it to the moon.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Gordon Strachan said 'pride had a lot to do with him taking the Scotland job'.

He hasn't got any.

[I Hate Hleb]

I had some burgers from tesco for my tea last night....

I still have a bit between my teeth.

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

My wife used to punch me in the face every time she had an orgasm during sex, sometimes she would orgasm three or four times. I didn't mind so much until I found out she was faking them!

Brilliant.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"I don't believe that you cheated on me!" screamed my wife.


"Really?" I said, "But you saw it with your own eyes."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

In beef or not in beef.

That is equestrian.