LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

One armed butlers......

They can take it, but they can't dish it out.....

[Top Londoner]

I got sacked from my job as a nursery teacher, Apparently singing " the Muslims on the bus go Bang, bang, bang " is considered racist.

[Top Londoner]

I Went to the doctors yesterday, suffering from premature ejaculation.
Doctor said, "This must be very stressful for your wife."
I said, "To be honest it's getting on her tits."

[Top Londoner]

Stem cell research


Looks like they got it right.
Twice the fun and no nagging!!!

[StuartL]

More cringers.......


Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable...

Just got a batch of 200 Tesco beef burgers cheap, it only cost me a Pony

Prices are going through the hoof in my area.

Reading the label on these Tesco burgers.... it turns out they're fairly low in fat, but surprisingly high in Shergar

had a Tesco burger the other day but it gave me the trots

Tesco are expecting burger sales to go down initially......but not furlong

apparently they've refused to name their mane supplier

Tesco PR department having a night mare…………

trouble is now people beginning to question the content of tesco's finest new extra long sausages....

is it a coincidence that 'hamburgers' is an anagram of Shergars bum ?
Tesco scored highly in a recent Gallop Poll

Yet another interesting anagram chaps

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My Blonde girlfriend just said to me, "Did you know, butterflies only live for two days?"

I said, "Honey, I think that's a myth."

She said, "No, it's definitely a butterfly."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm a woman, and I'm tired of you all claiming that men are smarter than women.

My husband has finally proven you all wrong.

He texted me just before - "Jane my little blonde bunny I cannot wait to have a night of loving tonight! Hope you're ready for the best sex you've ever had . xxx"

What an idiot. First of all, my name is Sarah, secondly I'm brunette, and thirdly he's away at a conference tonight!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's ten best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's ten best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over and two claimed that he was still there.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello?"

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only two thousand pounds. Is it okay if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."

Man: "How much?"

Woman: "I think its 68,000 pounds."

Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. The asking-price is 1.25 million."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1 mil."

Woman: "Okay, honey, you're the best! I love you!"

Man: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

He starts to smile and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Dictionary For Womens Personal Ads

40ish ..................... 49
Adventurous ............... Slept with all your mates
Athletic .................. No Tits
Average looking ........... Has a face like an arse
Beautiful ................. Pathological liar
Contagious smile .......... Does a lot of pills
Educated .................. Fucked to death at college
Emotionally secure ........ On medication
Feminist .................. Fat
Friendship first .......... Former slut/born again virgin
Fun ....................... Annoying
Gentle .................... Dull
Good listener ............. Autistic
New Age ................... Body hair problems
Old fashioned ............. No blow jobs or anal
Open minded ............... Desperate
Outgoing .................. Loud and embarrassing
Passionate ................ Sloppy drunk
Poet ...................... Depressive
Professional .............. Bitch
Romantic .................. Frigid
Social .................... Fanny like a clowns pocket
Voluptuous ................ Very fat
Large lady ................ Hugely Fat
Wants soul-mate............ Stalker
Widow ..................... Murderer

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the police. The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"

"No. Why?" replies the man. "Was I all over the road?"

"No," replies the officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Just failed my theory test.
Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Three women; one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night, all three will wear a leather bodice (S&M style), stilettos and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days, they meet again. The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He looked at me and said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."

The mistress said, "Me too; the other night, I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night."

The married one said, "The other night, I sent the kids to stay at my mother's. I got myself ready; leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband came back from work, opened the door and said: 'Alright, Batman, what's for dinner?' "

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was driving to work today and saw a woman driving down the road with her hazard lights on.

At least she's honest.

[DB10GOONER]

Three women; one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night, all three will wear a leather bodice (S&M style), stilettos and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days, they meet again. The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He looked at me and said: 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."

The mistress said, "Me too; the other night, I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night."

The married one said, "The other night, I sent the kids to stay at my mother's. I got myself ready; leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband came back from work, opened the door and said: 'Alright, Batman, what's for dinner?' "