LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife sent me a text last week:

'When you get home from work I'm going to strip naked and do a sexy dance for you'

So far I have accumulated 94 hours overtime.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The owner of Manchester City goes into the changing room to show Yaya Toure some love.

"I'm very sorry, Yaya," he says. "It was disrepectful to forget your birthday. I've done my research, and I now know everything about you. Ask me anything..."

"OK," shouts Yaya, from the other side of the room. "Why are you talking to Micah Richards?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

-I heard these two guys talking and one asked "if marriage was an item from the kitchen, what would it be? "
He said "a dish washer, cus its all nice, new and you think its brilliant at the start, then you end up thinking,.. you know, this would be quicker and easier by hand".

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm thinking of sending my wife out to Malaysia to help find missing flight MH370.

She has an extraordinary ability to bring stuff up that every other cun.t forgot about months ago.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit" - Oscar Wilde.

Actually, it's the second lowest. The lowest form of wit is quoting this fucking line with a stupid, smug grin on your face whenever you can't think of a response yourself.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was furious when I found my wife's profile on an on-line dating website.


That lying bitch isn't, "Fun to be around."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was walking along and this kid threw Sodium Chloride in my face.

I said, "I hope you know this is assault."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company.

I'm now the main stake holder.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Boy: "Do you want to play the fire engine game?"
Girl: "How do you play that?"
Boy: "My fingers are the fire engine and I drive up your legs. You say 'Red light!' when you want me to stop."
Girl: "Okay, let's play."
After a few seconds...
Girl: "Red light!"
Boy: "Fire engines don't stop for red lights."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've grown to hate low ceilings.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Today, I made my first porno, but I need some help.

How do I cut out the 4 hours of me waiting in a bush and the 5 minutes of chasing?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Two Jews are walking down the road when they spot a stunning looking woman, perfect body, face and everything.
One of the Jews says, "Phwoar, I'd lend her one!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just seen a bunch of Mexicans packed into a tiny Ford playing the macarana and eating tortillas.

I think it was a Fiesta.