LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Me and my wife have this new deal where she has to lose a certain amount of weight, or I get to have sex with another woman of my choice.

To celebrate our new deal, I've ordered us in some pizza.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

After watching the Scottish opening ceremony, I will never see a better argument for their independence.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

BBC News: David Cameron has expressed his anger over President Putin taking 3 days to accept his phone call. Therefore, has decided to invoke further and even stricter sanctions...

by blocking him on Facebook.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Best of luck to Steven Gerrard, who's retired from not winning the World Cup to concentrate on not winning the Premier League.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

For our American "friends"
Sexual innuendo is a hard topic to stay on top of. As a humour tool, it stands erect in the English language. While there are no hard and fast rules as to what constitutes sexual innuendo, there have been many mass-debates on the topic, and now the general principles at the root of the topic are firm and well-rounded. However, full penetration of the subject requires that the reader take a long, hard look at the target and be a cunning linguist in order to avoid limp phrases and imbibe the phrase with a large handful of meanings. The topic can become hot by attempting to grasp it, and the more one experiments with it, the more interested they become. Also, as the language changes innuendos must change in order to fill the newly created holes and satisfy listeners.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My girlfriend texted me earlier, "Why don't you ever put an x at the end of your texts?"

I replied, "Sorry babe. Michelle."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Scare some people at your local theme park by bringing nuts and bolts with you and then showing them to the person next to you when the ride has begun.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Two sperms are having a race. One sperm says, "Fuck me all this swimming is knackering me, how long till we reach the womb?"
The second sperm says, "Fucking long way to go yet mate - we've only just gone past her tonsils!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I left my wife for a bin man.

But he wouldn't take her.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."

A time traveller walks into a bar.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

An Englishman & an Irishman are in the hospital laid side by side in different beds. The Englishman looks over at the Irishman and peels away his oxygen mask from his face.

"I'm English..." Said the Englishman.

The Irishman also takes away his mask and gasps, "Irish..."

The Englishman slowly replies, "My name's David..."

"Paddy..." Replies the Irishman.

"Cancer..." Says the Englishman pointing to his chest.

The Irishman who slowly turns his head and lifts away his oxygen mask replies,

"Sagittarius..."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was talking to a fat lass with huge tits last night.

"My eyes are up here..." I said, as she looked down at the kebab in my hand.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was talking to my wife the other day about reincarnation.

She asked, "What actually is reincarnation?"

I said to her, "Well, it's when you die and come back as something completely different."

"So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimed.

I said, "You're not listening are you...?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man hates his wife's cat so much he drives to the next town and dumps it.
When he gets home, it's there.
Next day he drives 50 miles and dumps it.
When he gets home, it's there.
So the next day he drives to the other side of the country and dumps it.
One hour later he rings his wife and asks, "is the cat home?"
"Yes, why?" asks his wife.
"Put the cun.t on," he says, "I'm fucking lost."

[DB10GOONER]

A racist Ewok-like Englishman & an Irishman are in the hospital laid side by side in different beds. The racist Ewok-like Englishman looks over at the Irishman and peels away his oxygen mask from his face. The Irishman promptly punched ten shades of shit out of the racist Ewok-like Englishman and then fucked every single woman the racist Ewok-like Englishman knew. All of them. Wife, mother, sisters. Fucked them good, too.