LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[SPUDMASHER]

I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.

[SPUDMASHER]

I'll tell you one thing that separates the men from the boys......



Operation Yewtree

[Bradywasking]

Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently, she stood him up!

[Bradywasking]

Birthdays are good for you..in fact the more you have the longer you live..

[Top Londoner]

When I was 12 I found a dominatrix porn mag on a train, I took it home and put it under my bed. My parents found it, but they never spanked me again.

<coffee spit>
Quality.



WENGER OUT

[Top Londoner]

I was on a date and about to pay for dinner, when I pulled my wallet out and a condom fell out and onto the floor.

Embarrassed, I said, "You can never be too safe right?"

"I suppose not," she said, disgusted. "Are you not going to pick it up?"

I replied, "Nah, I've already used it twice anyway"




WENGER OUT

[Top Londoner]

Im so sick of my colleagues at the morgue judging me just for making up fun games to pass the time

*rolls eyes*




WENGER OUT

[Top Londoner]

"If you eat much more of that you're going to explode!" said my wife to our young son, as he shovelled in another mouthful of bacon. 

Of course, statistically, he's far more likely to explode if he never eats any bacon at all.





WENGER OUT

[Top Londoner]

I walked in from work this evening to find my slag of a wife lying on the couch, naked, with her legs in the air, sliding a coat hanger in and out of her pussy.

"Oh for fuck's sake, you whore!" I said. "Have some fucking dignity about yourself and at least use a fucking dildo or something."


"Oh piss off, Dave," she snapped. "What do you think I'm looking for?"

WENGER OUT

[Top Londoner]

I went to see a therapist.

I said, "I'm not sure if I'm a man or a woman."

He said, "Right. Just pull your pants down for me."

I said, "No."

He said, "You're a woman"



WENGER OUT

[Top Londoner]

"Well, nan," I said. "This is where you will be staying eventually. Do you like it?"

"Will you fuck off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace," she shouted.



WENGER OUT

[Top Londoner]

The papers are saying Ebola could be 'the new Black Death'.

Statistically it's doing all right so far.




WENGER OUT

[Top Londoner]

Convicted rapist, Ched Evans, has said that he's a changed man and asked if he can play for Sheffield United again. They said 'no'.

He's putting his boots on. 




WENGER OUT

[Top Londoner]

How many scousers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but never forget the ninety six who could have changed it. 



WENGER OUT

[Top Londoner]

Some people think Richard Branson's spacecraft project is over-ambitious.

On the contrary, I think it's very down to earth.




WENGER OUT