LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

How many people does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one of the questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My girlfriend is a miserable *word censored*. Even after two weeks in the Bahamas!

Unbelievable! Worst welcome home ever!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

We went to a Thunderbirds themed fancy dress party, I went the whole hog, had the hair dyed, and got a costume to look like Virgil.

My wife just put a green coat on and went as Thunderbird two.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Going to these new gastro pubs is a bit like visiting your nan that's got dementia. Chips served in a flower pot and burger on a bathroom tile.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Tesco has reported a record loss of £6.4 billion.

Well, that's what you get for gambling on horses.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

There was an interesting article in the news today about suicide being the biggest killer of men under 50 in the UK. I would have read it in full but my wife said I still had to do the hoovering, clean the dishes, tidy my clothes from the bedroom floor, mow the lawn, fix the broken fence panel, empty the bins, change the bathroom lightbulb, pay the gas bill, walk the dog and collect the kids from football practice before going round her mother's house for dinner.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

As his bride to be started walking down the aisle Andy Murray glanced at her over his shoulder. He quickly turned to his best man and said "Oh my God. What is that she's wearing? I've never seen anything like it in my life"

His best man replied "That's a fucking smile"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

During sex
I fuck my wife up the arse
spit in her face
call her a dirty cunnt
and she loves it...


...but one comment about her driving.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

If you don't have a TV licence, you could get sent to prison.....Where you can watch TV all day, without needing a licence.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I phoned the accident helpline.

I didn't mean to though.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Don't you just hate it when people think there clever but use the wrong grammar?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

10 reasons why men are lazy:

1)

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Honestly the wife does get pissed off over nothing, just yesterday I said to her,

"I don't mean to be patronising, by the way patronising means being spoken down to..."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A keyring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.