LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

Try telling that to Madonna.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Touch it gently...
Put 2 fingers inside, if it's big put 3 fingers in...
Make sure it's wet...
Rub it up and down....
Yeah....

That's how you wash a cup

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I caught my son having sex today.

I then said to him, "Go to your room and think about what you have done!"

Five minutes later, I walked in to his room to find him having a wannk.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My next door neighbour keeps racing pigeons...

but the pigeons always win.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife's leaving me because I'm so arrogant.

I told her to close the door on her way back in.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I got stopped by one of those market researchers the other day.
She said, "Do you mind if I ask you ten short questions?"
I said, "Okay, go on then."
"Have you ever suffered from a blackout?" she asked.
"I don't think so," I replied.
She said, "And, finally, question ten."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife left me because I spend too much time on Twitter.

#thefatcunt.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Advice if you're intending to teabag your girlfriend: take care not to strain yourself.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm going to take a picture of my firstborn and use age progression software to figure out what he'll look like when he's 16.
Then I'm going to frame the picture and keep it as a centerpiece in our house,
something he'll grow up looking at.
Then when the appropriate time comes,
he will realize that the picture is actually of him,
Then I am going to try and convince him that he is a time traveller.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

For me, homework is a lot like handjobs. I can do it myself, but usually I just pay my sister to do it.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Dad?" said my young son. "Why do you always do what Mummy tells you?"

"Well, son," I said, "it's because we made a deal. I was able to choose your name, hairstyle and the clothes you wear, and in return I have to do everything she says."

"Has it been worth it, Dad?"

"It has, Adolf, it has."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I love hanging out at the park.

The breeze against my genitals.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm ashamed to say I hit my wife last night.

Luckily I drove off before she recognised the car.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've bought myself a chinchilla.

That should keep my face nice and cool in this warm weather.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just watched the England women's football match.

Number 16 came on in the second half...
...so they had to substitute her.