LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Usain Bolt thinks he's capable of running at 40mph.

You might think that's good, but if he hits a child there's an 80% chance she'll die.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What do you call a woman with two cun.ts?

Mrs. Neville.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What do you say to a girl who gives deep throat and laps it all up?

"I do."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

NEWS : 'Toyota Recalls 180,000 UK Cars'

I'm not surprised, that would be a lot of cars to just forget about.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden's funeral, a voice screamed from inside,

"I'm not dead! I'm not dead!"

To which the vicar shouted back, "Sorry, the paperwork has already been done!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I took a photo of my wife on my phone, and proceeded to piss myself with laughter before showing it to her,

"Oh you bastard!" she smiled as she gave me a playful slap "You and your silly Fat Booth app!"

"Eh?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just invented an Invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible.

I'm still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

On this week's program, we hear about the man who fell out of an aeroplane at 10,000 feet and lived!

Until he hit the ground.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

If anyone is thinking about buying an auto-biography, I don't want to ruin the ending for you but they write a book.

[DB10GOONER]

I've just invented an Invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible.

I'm still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself.

Quality.

[Top Londoner]

I feel like such an idiot.

All these years my wife's been saying she wants me to give her an orgasm,
now it turns out she didn't mean one of mine.

Brilliant Lefty. Cheers



WENGER OUT

[mcdowell42]

What are the benefits of moving to Switzerland?
Well, the flag's a big plus...

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Police in Paris have revealed that 51Kg of cocaine has gone missing from their central headquarters.

The police chief said at a press conference, "We'll do whatever it takes to catch the culprits, even if we have to stay up all night. And all tomorrow night. And then maybe hit a club or something."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It's pain only for others.

It's the same thing when you are stupid.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Rolf Harris has been spat on in prison.

I've watched enough porn to know what happens next.