LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

"Now that doesn't look like a foot"

Thought the sock.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I didn't know this at the time but, when I was a teenager, my big sister used to stash cocaine in her used underwear basket.

So, technically, my drug addiction is her fault.

[DB10GOONER]

I found one of my dads old porno videos today.

Did you know, back in the 70's they used to use pubic hair to censor out the genitals?

olgit - is this true??!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I'm not saying I hate Piers Morgan, but if I had a glass of water and he was on fire, I'd glass him.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A young lad is missing from a hospital in Southampton.


First place I'd look would be Anfield.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My daughter got sent home from school in Rotherham for saying something racist-

"No."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Millions of pounds have been spent on campaigning by both sides in the Scottish independence referendum, but the fact is, the result will be determined by whether or not Braveheart is on telly the night before the vote.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've just seen Danny Welbeck in a pub in Newcastle.

He's not signing for them or anything, it's just where his last shot landed.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

An ambulance arrives at the scene of a bad Nova crash on the A127 just outside Basildon.

The paramedic goes to the girl passenger, "how many fingers have I got up?"

"Fuck, I'm paralysed!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Measured my knob. Just shy of 8 inches...

...by 5 inches

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

As I sat in a posh restaurant last night, sipping champagne on my wife's birthday, she suddenly decided to call me a *word censored*.

So without any hesitation at all, I flipped over the table knocking everything onto the floor.

"I'm the *word censored*?" I shouted, as the whole restaurant stared at me. "You're more of a *word censored* than I am!"

That's when the waiter came over and said, "Sir, can you please take this phone call outside."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My last girlfriend used to call my penis what I thought was a big powerful scary nickname.

She was calling it a ' Weapon Of Mass Destruction.'

Sounded good, but then I found out she was calling it that because she thought it was really hard to find.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Wonder woman hasn't actually got a cape,

She just turned her apron around.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

People are always calling me a hypochondriac... I'm fucking sick of it.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was sat in my front lounge last night when my ex drove past and threw a can of paint through my window.

I hate it when women get emulsional.