LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[OneBardGooner]

Being a dyslexic I downloaded Grammar Checker!

Instead of checking punctuation I've ended up wanking over 65 year old women.


I got arrested after a domestic dispute. The Policeman said "why do you keep beating your wife"

I said "weight advantage, longer reach and better footwork".




Paddy's in the pub tellin' his mates about joinin' the Army & about his first parachute jump; Paddy describes 'we were 3,000 feet up, then 1 by 1, they started to jump; when it was my turn, I couldn't do it - no way!'

Then this big black guy pulled out his 12" cock & cried "If you don't jump, I'm gonna stick this baby right up your ass!"

Paddys mates asked 'Well? Did you jump?'

Paddy replies 'just a bit when it first went in!'

Oh! My feckin' ribs are aching.... Quality Absolute Quality LFG

Cheers mr Bard, I'm one of those people who laugh at a joke today and read it again tomorrow and laugh again, maybe Ive just got no memory

Waht!? you mean a bit like posh becks, no that's mammeries isn't it !

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A guy suspected that his wife was cheating on him, so he hired a Chinese detective.....the cheapest he could find. This is his report:

Most honourable Sir!
You leave house,
I watch house.
He come house,
I watch,
He and she leave house,
I follow,
He and she go hotel,
I climb tree,
I look window,
He kiss she,
She kiss he,
He strip she,
She strip he,
He play with she,
She play with he,
I play with me,
I fall off tree,
I no see,

No fee,

Cheng Lee

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Just walked out of my job at the helium balloon factory. There's just no way i'm being spoken to like that!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was shagging this bird the other night, She said "don't put it up my arse!" I had to explain it's traditional for the person with the knife and balaclava to make those decisions!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.

To be fair the audience did try to warn him!!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I went for a job interview recently and was asked what i think my greatest weaknesses are.
I replied "well i often have trouble with reality; you know? Being able to tell whats real and what is a surreal idealistic formed in my head".

"Very interesting" replied the interviewer, "what about your strengths?"

"I'm Batman"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

When I divorced the wife, she said I'd have to fight her for custody of the kids.

I knocked her out with my first punch!!!

[I Hate Hleb]

I went for a job interview recently and was asked what i think my greatest weaknesses are.
I replied "well i often have trouble with reality; you know? Being able to tell whats real and what is a surreal idealistic formed in my head".

"Very interesting" replied the interviewer, "what about your strengths?"

"I'm Batman"

Even though I kind of knew what was coming, I still couldn't stop myself laughing out loud!!

[flash gunner]

Just walked out of my job at the helium balloon factory. There's just no way i'm being spoken to like that!

[Rosie_titters]

LFG are you Tim Vine in disguise

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I met my new girlfriends parents for the first time last night and her Dad pulled me to one side and said if I hurt her I will have him to answer to.

I reassured him though when I said I had a tiny cock and she had a bum hole like a well worn welly.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

LFG are you Tim Vine in disguise

no but he is very funny, well to me he is

[I Hate Hleb]

LFG are you Tim Vine in disguise

no but he is very funny, well to me he is

Know him, do you?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

LFG are you Tim Vine in disguise

no but he is very funny, well to me he is

Know him, do you?

No comment

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

When I heard Stephen Hawking had hit 70 I thought jeez, that wheelchair can really fly!!!