The Gooner Forum

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

NASA is currently examining the planet Mars in order to work out why it has changed from warm and wet to cold and dry.

Maybe it got married.

Just saw a scouser wearing a high-vis vest and brand new steel toe capped boots,


Why would he steal workwear?

Jeff Wayne couldn't believe it when he came home one evening to find his wife bringing herself to orgasm with a chocolate bar.

"The chances of anyone coming from Mars, are a million to one!" he said.

My wife stopped the car today and asked a guy for some directions.

"What's the quickest way to get to the town centre?" she asked.

"Swap seats with your husband." He said.

What do Manchester United and Richard the Third have in common?

They both got buried in Leicester.

Barcelona's Nou Camp has been seriously vandalised.

Spanish police have arrested a dyslexic Scotsman.

What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones?

Trombones.

"Et tu Brute!" I cried out, clutching my chest before slowly sinking to the ground.

I didn't get a penalty though. The referee thought I'd gone down a bit too theatrically.

What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhoea?

Bravefart

The Royal and Ancient Golf Club has voted in favour of allowing women members for the first time in its 260-year history.

A spokesman said, 'For years we have denied women entrance, and frankly the place now needs a bloody good Hoovering'

I asked a pupil in my science class to name a light source earlier.

The thick fucker said 'diet mayo'.

I've got 69 problems.

My girlfriend is a midget.

What's a schet?

Something that Sean Connery doesn't give about the Scottish referendum from his house in the Bahamas.

Someone shouted at me today, "Are you a fucking prostitute?!"

"Yes" I replied, "What other kind is there?"