LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[Top Londoner]

An IRA victim that has been missing since 1978 has been found dead in an Irish bog.

Judging by their infrequency of cleaning I'm guessing it's a Wetherspoons one. 





WENGER OUT

[Top Londoner]

My son told he might be gay, but he wasn't sure.

So I put on some gay porn, and asked, "Well, does this turn you on?"

Disgusted, he said, "Not really."

"Why?" I asked. "Do the penises and hairy bums not do it for you?"

"They usually do," he replied. "But not when it's you and uncle Kenny."



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[Top Londoner]

Jamie Oliver employs convicted child rapist and sex offender at his new restaurant 'Fifteen'.

I wonder what he was searching the internet for when he stumbled across that job?





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[Top Londoner]

My Muslim neighbour went ballistic when I set some fireworks off last night.

He said, "In future, put them through your own letterbox






WENGER OUT

[Top Londoner]

I was fucking my new girlfriend earlier when she stopped and said:

"I'm going to need a second."

"Need a bit of time to catch your breath?" I said smugly.

"No" she said, "a 2nd inch."





WENGER OUT

[Top Londoner]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."




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[DB10GOONER]

This one is especially for GoonerSid!

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group. She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered. Finally, totally exasperated, she said; "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."

The Englishman immediately piped up; "B-b-b-b-b-b-birmingham", he said. "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out; "G-g-g-g-g-g-glasgow." "That's no better either, Hamish."

"Now, how about you, Paddy?" The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to five and eventually blurted out; "London".

"Brilliant, Paddy!" said the therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of steamy sex in every position under the sun, Paddy grunted;

"d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-derry!!"

[robbo10]

What's got one ball and fucks women?






Peter Sutcliffe's hammer.

[Rosie_titters]

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneeded a poo

[Top Londoner]

I went to B&Q and said to a staff member, "I'm looking for a dildo rail."

He said, "I think you mean dado rail."

I said, "No, it's definitely dildo. I'm going to put it up myself." 





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[Top Londoner]

33.4

So American Blacks think that the whites in the US have a negative stereotype view of them. 

I don't think mass arson and theft is really going to help.





WENGER OUT

[Rosie_titters]

I was babysitting last night for a friend and me and the kid sat down to watch a movie. Half way through The kid said , I'm getting a bit scared. Is that lady going to die?"
I said "Probably, judging by the size of that horse's knob!

[LDB]

How do you please a polite and punctual Chinaman?

Don't berate

[StuartL]

I posted an American joke on twitter and now I've been accused of being anti-septic.

[Bradywasking]

As Christmas approaches please remember that A Dog is not just for Christmas.......in Korea you can have the leftovers on Boxing Day.