LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting relentlessly bummed. . .
I think my mates take monopoly far too seriously!!!!!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was cooking in the kitchen and my 5yo walked in and asked me what "love juice" was.

"well, it is what a woman makes in her....erm....fanjo to make it all wet and slippery and ready to take the mans...erm...penis.....when they have special cuddles....but where the hell have you got that word from??!!!!!"

"I was watching Wimbledon...."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I had a happy childhood. My dad would put me inside a tyre and then roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears...

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I took the mrs to the doctors as she had a golfball stuck up her arse


.....<how far?!.


well, it was up a fairway.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A man goes to India for a cheap cock extension. The surgeon suggests a baby elephants trunk stitched on for £3000. The man agrees. 6 weeks later while having dinner with his new girlfriend he feels an unusual stirring in his pants & thinks this is the night. While chatting over dinner his cock flys out steals an apple off the table & goes back. Wow she says can you do that again? He says my cock can but I dont think my arsehole can take another apple!

[DB10GOONER]

He's here all week!!



unfortunately...

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

He's here all week!!



unfortunately...

No pleasing some little people.......

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I was sitting on the edge of the bed last night pulling off my boxers when the wife said "Please dont do that to the dogs..."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Paddys wife says "I want a rape alarm." Next morning he covers her mouth, holds her down, f**cks her up the arse and whispers...."It's time to get up!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A little girl is in court, testifying against her uncle who has sexually abused her. The solicitor says

"In your own words, tell us what happened"

The little girl, tearfully and in a very quiet voice says

"He came into my room and got into bed with me, he touched me here and kissed me, then he kissed my neck and all the way down my chest, undoing the buttons of my nightie as he went, then he kissed me here, and, and then I can't remember what happened"

The judge, masturbating furiously said

"FUCKING MAKE SOMETHING UP THEN!"

[DB10GOONER]

He's here all week!!



unfortunately...

No pleasing some little people.......

You'd know, Charlie The Midget!

[flash gunner]

Fucking hell this thread has gone from Tim Vine to Frankie Boyle

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

He's here all week!!



unfortunately...

No pleasing some little people.......

You'd know, Charlie The Midget!

Do you get 5'9" midgets Kelly the hobbit

[Top Londoner]

He's here all week!!



unfortunately...

He put a smile on my face and a guttaral laugh too. I really needed it too.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

He's here all week!!



unfortunately...

He put a smile on my face and a guttaral laugh too. I really needed it too.

I am happy it made you laugh TL, I laugh when I post them so it is good for me too, don't worry about DB, he likes to be the centre of attention and when it's not on him he gets a LITTLE bitchy