LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

It's been so long since I last had sex that now, when I *****, I fantasize about other times I've had a *****.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

BBC News: Doing housework cuts breast cancer risk.

Also cuts getting a kicking risk.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I asked my grandad if he could still do a handstand against a wall.

He only lasted about two seconds before unintentionally tea bagging himself.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A bloke goes in to work and finds his colleague sitting at his desk, chuckling and shaking his head. On asking, "What's up?" his work mate says, "Well, I had this really embarrassing Freudian slip this morning!"
The bloke asks what a Freudian slip is and his pal explains that it's when you mean to say something but what you actually say is what you're thinking. He then gives his example: -

"I was queueing at the train station ticket office and couldn't help but notice that the girl behind the counter has a massive pair of hooters. They were real eye magnets! When I got to the window, instead of asking for a ticket to Tooting I asked her for a ticket to TITTING. She blushed, I blushed, I got my ticket and scarpered."
The bloke laughs and says, "Oh, I see. That's funny!"

The following day, the other bloke is sitting at his desk laughing to himself when his workmate walks in and asks, "What's so funny?"
The bloke replies, "I had one of your Freudian slips this morning. I was sitting at the breakfast table with the missus and I meant to say 'pass the marmalade' but what I actually said was 'FUCK OFF, YOU FAT BITCH, YOU'VE RUINED MY LIFE!"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My wife asked me a question the other day and all I could imagine was a bloke getting raped and jizzed in the face.

I said; 'Sorry love, I'm not thinking straight.'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What do you call a man with his dick in a chip pan?

A fat fucker

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Earn money by displaying a "How's My Driving?" sign on your car, along with an 0906 number (£1.50 per minute which you can acquire through BT).

Then simply drive around town like a complete cunnt.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Help! Has anyone got a phone number for the Ghostbusters? I think I may have a poltergeist.

I came in from work early and I heard my wife screaming, "Oh my God! Oh my God!"

I quickly ran upstairs and she was covered head to foot in ectoplasm and the wardrobe doors wouldn't stop trembling...

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

As I was spraying 'FUCK THE POLICE' on a wall, I heard a voice behind me.
"Hello! Hello! Hello! Advising the populace to sexually liaise with Her Majesty's Constabulary, are we Sir?"

I thought an exclamation mark after the word 'FUCK' was appropriate at that point.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Hypnotists reckon they can cure alcoholism merely by implanting an idea in the drinker's head.

It's a sobering thought.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

IKEA meatballs contain horse DNA...

There's a joke in there somewhere, you'll have to assemble it yourselves.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I accidentally put diesel instead of petrol in my ex-girlfriend's car.
It was a nightmare getting it to light.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I told my son the facts of life this morning:

"Augie is a cunnt, Jordan is a slag and violence is the only language your mother understands."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I've invented a more efficient whisk

It's causing quite a stir.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A fat woman goes to her doctor and asks, "What are the easiest exercises I can take to lose weight?"
He replies, "At certain times, just shake your head."
"What 'certain times?'"
"Whenever someone offers you food."