The Gooner Forum

You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

Try telling that to Madonna.

Touch it gently...
Put 2 fingers inside, if it's big put 3 fingers in...
Make sure it's wet...
Rub it up and down....
Yeah....

That's how you wash a cup

I caught my son having sex today.

I then said to him, "Go to your room and think about what you have done!"

Five minutes later, I walked in to his room to find him having a wannk.

My next door neighbour keeps racing pigeons...

but the pigeons always win.

My wife's leaving me because I'm so arrogant.

I told her to close the door on her way back in.

I got stopped by one of those market researchers the other day.
She said, "Do you mind if I ask you ten short questions?"
I said, "Okay, go on then."
"Have you ever suffered from a blackout?" she asked.
"I don't think so," I replied.
She said, "And, finally, question ten."

My wife left me because I spend too much time on Twitter.

#thefatcunt.

Advice if you're intending to teabag your girlfriend: take care not to strain yourself.

I'm going to take a picture of my firstborn and use age progression software to figure out what he'll look like when he's 16.
Then I'm going to frame the picture and keep it as a centerpiece in our house,
something he'll grow up looking at.
Then when the appropriate time comes,
he will realize that the picture is actually of him,
Then I am going to try and convince him that he is a time traveller.

For me, homework is a lot like handjobs. I can do it myself, but usually I just pay my sister to do it.

"Dad?" said my young son. "Why do you always do what Mummy tells you?"

"Well, son," I said, "it's because we made a deal. I was able to choose your name, hairstyle and the clothes you wear, and in return I have to do everything she says."

"Has it been worth it, Dad?"

"It has, Adolf, it has."

I love hanging out at the park.

The breeze against my genitals.

I'm ashamed to say I hit my wife last night.

Luckily I drove off before she recognised the car.

I've bought myself a chinchilla.

That should keep my face nice and cool in this warm weather.

I've just watched the England women's football match.

Number 16 came on in the second half...
...so they had to substitute her.