LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

My mum was a ventriloquist and she was always throwing her voice.

For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my dad.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

What men would do if they had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

What women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get a pay rise at work.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about wanking.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I woke up this morning and said to the wife, "What a dream that was! I dreamt I was involved in a marathon sex session."
She replied sternly, "I hope I was in this dream..."
"Oh yes," I replied. "You were making the girls' sandwiches."

[augie]

I told my son the facts of life this morning:

"Augie is a cunnt, Jordan is a slag and violence is the only language your mother understands."

Ah thats harsh (obviously not the jordan part)

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I told my son the facts of life this morning:

"Augie is a cunnt, Jordan is a slag and violence is the only language your mother understands."

Ah thats harsh (obviously not the jordan part)

Sorry mate it was a toss up between you and about 99% of the other posters on here and I include myself in that, just thought you'd enjoy the infamy more than most

[Nuggets]

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Bad news - women's football will be on FIFA16.

Good news - the offside law has been dropped.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

After Sepp Blatter won the vote and remains the president of FIFA, I hope the rest of the European nations will now join Scotland on our 17 year boycott of World Cups.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

In the aftermath of the recent scandals, Sepp Blatter has claimed he knows how to fix FIFA.

He couldn't have worded that better if he'd tried.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at shite hart lane. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

BBC News: England Women not expected to win the World Cup

Oh well, back to the chopping board.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I got locked out of the Euphemism Society this afternoon.

So I smashed their back door in.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Hi, welcome to Fight Club.

First of all, how did you hear about us?

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I phoned the wife from work.

"Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you, and they're stabbing it?" I asked her.

"No?" she replied, sounding puzzled.

"How about now ...?"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

The 209 members of FIFA are voting on the presidency today.

Let's see if Sepp Blatter can win by 300,000 votes again this time.